The Many Adventures of Stubby the Cat!
by Shanarama
Summary: An epic tale featuring Oprah, Dr. Phil, Alice Cooper, the "twinsies," and of course, an evil fat cat named Stubby. There's only so many words for something like this.
1. Supershort chapter one

CHAPTER ONE

A long time ago, in a galaxy that is not far, far away as it should be, there lived two powerful and evil forces. These forces were known as Dr. Phil and Oprah. Dr. Phil and Oprah were young, and in the process of gaining power. They wanted to take over the world, like the Sith in _Star Wars_, but not that cool.

So anyway, one night a LONG time ago, Dr. Phil and Oprah were off in Vegas playing random drinking games. And, well, drinking games and flings in Vegas…Let's just say that neither Dr. Phil nor Oprah had gotten the pregnancy talk. Nine months later, they had a bouncing baby boy, and they named him Vincent. As Vincent grew older, he became embarrassed by his name, and changed it to Alice. Father Phil and mother Oprah both knew from that moment that their child was a screwed-up psycho path. It didn't help, either, that Alice liked to play with knives and cut the heads off chickens. Dr. Phil and Oprah kept their illegitimate lovechild a secret out of shame, and put him up for adoption. Alice was then raised in an insane asylum.

Dr. Phil and Oprah were afraid that their son would grow up to foil their plans of world conquest. So they devised a plan to stop their son. They went and played in Frankenstein's lab, intending to make a monster to eat Alice. The monster they got wasn't exactly what they were looking for.

It was big.

It was fluffy.

It meowed.

They called it Stubby.


	2. Introducing: the Twinsies!

CHAPTER TWO

Many years after Stubby was created, Alice was known as a shock-rock god. He took his childhood antics and brought them to the stage like no other had. And though Alice had all the fame and fortune he could ever want, he never forgot his humble beginnings. He often revisited the insane asylum for various reasons, but mainly for childhood memories.

One day, when Alice was in the insane asylum, he found a young teenage girl sitting in the corner. Out of sheer curiosity, he asked her name. He found out that she was known as Shannon, and was a famous author.

"Why are you at this asylum, Shannon?" Alice asked.

"Because SOMEBODY, I won't mention names *coughHaydencough*, convinced the police that I was mentally unstable, and needed to live here," she said. "Actually, the only reason the police listened to him was probably because he threatened to attack with his zeppelins…"

Alice's eyes had glazed over. "That's nice. I have a growth in my back pocket!" He turned around, and out of his back pocket, a kitty leapt! It was such a nice, cute kitty.

"His name is Stubby!" Alice said happily.

Suddenly, Stubby started growing. He got bigger, and bigger, and bigger, and bigger, and bigger, and bigger, and bigger, and bigger, and bigger, and bigger, and (yes) bigger!

Shannon screamed. Loudly. Stubby gave a mighty roar.

"Um, yeah…" Alice said. "Stubby has PMS."

"Does that mean that Stubby's a she, not a he?" Shannon asked.

"I don't know," Alice shrugged. "I don't think I want to look to find out."

Stubby sat on the floor, killing 5 people with his massive ass.

"That's special," Shannon said.

All of a sudden there was a massive rumble above the asylum. Alice screamed like a little girl, and ran away. Stubby (who was secretly in love with Alice's pants) galloped after Alice.

The asylum roof caved in, and a zeppelin lowered down. Hayden jumped out of the zeppelin, and walked over to Shannon.

"Did I miss anything?" Hayden asked.

Shannon looked toward where Alice had run, and the giant Stubby-shaped hole in the wall. "Nope. Not much."

"Mmmkay then, let's get back on the zeppelin! You need to calm down the mimes. They're getting all antsy again."

So Shannon followed Hayden, but not before she picked up a switchblade off the ground. She shrugged off the oddity of the weapon, and got on the zeppelin.

A few hours later….

"SHANNON! YOU IDIOT! HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU NOT TO PLAY WITH SHARP OBJECTS!?" Hayden screamed. He was referring to Shannon, the switchblade, and the sliced-up dead mime that was lying in a pool of its own blood.

"You told me to calm the mimes down!" Shannon said innocently, among the bloody mass. "It tried to go all pornomime on me, and I had to defend myself!"

Hayden, unfortunately, had not been reading his anger management books recently, and therefore was nearly foaming at the mouth. Shannon repeatedly suggested the anger management book, but NO, instead he chose to read some book called "The Many Adventures of Stubby the Cat…"

Oh wait.

Oops.

Back to the story.

"You know neither of us are supposed to have sharp weapons! You're too crazy, and I'm too angry! So where did you get it!?" Hayden asked.

Shannon shrugged. "I found it. I think it may have fallen out of Alice's black leather back pocket," she said.

"What?!" Then we have to return it to him right away! Or else he might think we stole is! And God knows what a man with a guillotine could do to us if he thought we were stealing!"

"Mmmmkay," Shannon agreed. Then she looked around at the bloody mess of mime. "But what do we do with this?"

Hayden looked at her. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"Of course!"

So the "twinsies" gift wrapped and shipped the dead mime to none other than Zac Efron. They only wished they could be there to hear his oh-too-feminine screams.


	3. Bow down to our songs about

CHAPTER THREE

Alice was bored. His prized switch blade had gone missing, and Stubby was too pissed at the world to play. He didn't even know cats could _have_ PMS.

So with no other options, Alice decided to play with the phone. He punched in random numbers, just for the hell of it. Then he entered the password to his bank account. Who KNEW that 1-800-472-686-994-743-728-946-723 would translate to 1-800-GRANT-MY-WISHES-CUZ-IM-SAD?

"Hello?" A mystic voice said at the other end.

"Oh my gosh—is this a porn hotline?!" Alice asked, scared that his wife (Sheryl) would enter the room at any second.

"No," the voice said. "This is Chad, your fairy emo lover. It's like a fairy godmother, but I'm a teenage emo boy, not a fat old lady. Anyway, I'm here to grant your wishes."

"I WANT SOMEBODY TO PLAY WITH!" Alice cried. "Only they have to be as cool as me. And young. And chick-magnets, preferably. They have to be totally friggen awesome, essentially."

"Wow," Chad said. "Alright, I guess. Your wish is granted. Goodbye." Chad hung up.

"Huh?" Alice asked, still holding the phone. "Wait—is this a scam? What's going on? YOU TWO-TIMING LITTLE BASTARD, I WANT MY MONEY BACK!"

As Alice screamed, the sky gave a mighty rumble. And out of the aforementioned sky fell four boys in their early twenties with magical musical abilities. Alice was shocked.

One of the boys (who had angry-looking eyebrows) stepped forward. "Behold! My name is Brendon Urie! And WE are PANIC AT THE DISCO! BOW DOWN TO OUR AWESOMENESS AND SONGS ABOUT WHORES!"

Alice shrieked like a little girl, and ran around the yard screaming: "Yay! My minions! Woo!"

Ryan (the guitarist) looked at Brendon. "Well, this is weird, huh?" He commented.

"Totally," Brendon said. "Don't you think, Jon?" Brendon asked their bass player.

"Totally," He answered. "Spencer?" he asked the drummer's consent. But Spencer was staring off into space, with a smitten look on his face. The band members followed his gaze, and found…

…Stubby.

"I think I'm in love…" Spencer said, swaying. The rest of the band promptly leaned over and vomited. Alice stopped running around the yard, and followed Spencer's gaze.

"Oh THAT? That's Stubby!" Alice said gleefully.

"Stubby…" Spencer murmured in a daze.

Just then, something large moved over the sun and darkened the sky. Everybody looked up.

"A zeppelin!" Jon said in awe. Alice's eyes widened and he ran inside, screaming something along the lines of: "OH MY GOD! THE MEN IN THE WHITE COATS! THEY'RE BACK! THEY'RE BACK!" He was later found huddled in the corner being hugged by his wife Sheryl in a mental breakdown.

ANYWAY…

The zeppelin landed in Alice's yard, and none other than Shannon and Hayden jumped out, with a switchblade in hand.

They both saw PANIC, and instantly dropped down to their knees, copying the "we're not worthy" scene from _Wayne's World,_ which was ironically reserved for Alice. Either way, they turned into blubbering idiots, asking Panic to autograph the zeppelin and to give them free concert tickets.

Alice came out, eyeing the zeppelin. Upon making eye contact with Shannon, she attacked him and pretty much gave him the aforementioned Panic treatment. Alice looked at Hayden. Hayden shrugged. "She's not as scary as the men in the white coats, but she comes close."

"That's scary," Shannon commented, pointing past Hayden and Alice, and at the massive tub-o-lard known as Stubby. Spencer was lying on top of Stubby, buried in the rolls of fat, but stroking the cat lovingly, nonetheless.

"Do we have to vomit again?" Brendon asked.

Shannon's eyes lit up. "Yeah! And then we can send it to Zac Efron!" So once again they made a box full of disgusting things to send to the High School Musical star.

"Oh, by the way, this belongs to you," Shannon said, handing the switchblade back to Alice.

"Yay!" Alice ran away happily, replacing the switchblade in his weapons room.

"So, what do we do now?" Brendon asked.

"I know!" Hayden said. "We watch _Hairspray!_"

So they all watched _Hairspray_ and all laughed at John Travolta as a woman.

After that, Ryan decided that they should make an "Alice at the Disco" ultimate concert. So they did.

And in the front row of that fantabulous concert were Shannon, Hayden, and Stubby. Stubby had shrunk himself back down to normal kitty size, so the people in the back could see. Shannon had loaned Panic her circus mimes for the show. (Note: nobody really knows why Shannon carries around mimes with her.)

Some of the mimes got a little crazy on stage, and accidentally decapitated themselves with the guillotine. Shannon and Hayden kept the heads to send to Zac Efron.

After the show, everybody (excluding Stubby) got on Hayden's zeppelin for a little cruise. They laid out their travel plans like this:

· Go see _Hairspray _on Broadway

· Go to Canada

· Blow up the _High School Musical _set

· Find more shit to send to Zac Efron.

The "sending stuff to Zac Efron" got a little out of hand after a while.

"Look! Monkey fecal matter! Let's send it to Zac!"

"Look! Explosives! Let's send it to Zac!"

"Look! A horny male stripper! Let's send it to Zac!"

Zac Efron started to get really pissed at all of these "presents." He tried to put a restraining order on the teens, but Shannon and Hayden were too surreptitious (word of the day!) for him. Bad twinsies.

So the evil bitch known as Zac Efron decided to get some higher forces involve. He used his "amazingly good looks" *vomit gag retch hurl hack cough puke* to charm the almighty OPRAH to do his bidding.

"OPRAH, I have a favor to ask of you, oh goddess of all things rich and fancy."

"What, my lovely little darling?"

OK, the author can no longer tolerate this conversation because she is losing her dinner. Screw this.

Either way, Zac got the help of Oprah. And they took a little field trip to Frankenstein's lab again. But rather than walk into find the lab ready and waiting, they found…

…Dr. Phil singing and dancing to _Hairspray._

If the image in your mind is at all similar to the image in mine, you might be crying out blood. Ew.

"Phillip! What the hell are you doing!?" Oprah screamed. Dr. Phil quickly ripped off his John Travolta dress and blushed.

"Sexy!" Zac Efron commented, and then he realized that he had spoken out loud, and tried to hide it with a really lame sneeze.

ANYWAY…

Oprah went over to the Frankenstein machine, and picked up a remote that would turn on a little thing in Stubby's brain that would send him into "mass murderer" mode. (Much like what Kirby has…) Oprah and Dr. Phil cackled evilly. Zac would have, too, but he was too busy receiving a package from UPS, which contained several hairballs the size of a minivan. They were from Stubilicious himself.


	4. Tic Tacs on Endor

_CHAPTER THE NEXT ONE_

It was all quiet on the home front with Alice, Panic and the twinsies. Everybody was off doing random crap on their own. Spencer walked into the room where Hayden and Shannon were messing with their chemistry set. (They were trying to poison the mimes.)

Anyway, Spencer walked in.

"Guys, I think something's wrong with Stubby…" He said, motioning to the band room. They followed in to find Stubby foaming at the mouth, breathing heavily and digging his claws into the floor.

"He's been doing this for a while now. It's just weird for him," he finished.

"How would you know weird cat behavior? They're weird all the time!" Shannon said. Hayden kicked her.

"I KNOW WHEN SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH MY STUBBY-KINS!" Spencer shouted defensively. For dramatic effect, he hugged the hermaphrodite of a cat.

Stubby's eyes turned evil, and he attacked Spencer. It was a brutal attack. Stubby literally ate Spencer.

Thankfully, Alice walked in at that moment. He picked up a giant baseball bat, and smacked Stubby's belly with it.

Stubby's eyes widened, and he hacked up a mighty hairball containing Spencer.

"Holy crap! There's a whole city down there!" Spencer gasped.

"Yup!" Alice said. "That's the 2nd Cooper home! Stubby eats us often enough that we have to have a real home down there!"

"A home that included Wal-mart/Sith Corporation?" Spencer asked.

"ALWAYS LOW PRICES, ALWAYS!" Shannon screamed.

Stubby made a low, rumbling noise.

Just then, Hayden screamed. "My Kellstrom senses are tingling!"

Shannon looked around at the floor. "But Hayden, I see no puddles!"

"KELLSTROM!" Hayden ran around randomly, screaming their beloved English teacher's name.

"I don't think anybody's here, Hacksaw," Shannon said, wondering if Hayden would soon be joining her in the insane asylum.

Hayden started to cry. Shannon felt bad for making Hacksaw cry, so she got a brilliant idea.

"Hey!" She said. "I don't think your Kellstrom senses are tingling! I think your STUBBY senses are tingling!"

Hayden stopped crying. "Now that you mention it, I do kind of have a cat fetish feeling going on…"

Just then, Mrs. Kellstrom walked in holding a poodle. She waved at the twinsies randomly, and then walked out.

Is it just me, or does EVERYBODY in this story belong in the insane asylum?

Back to the story.

Everyone looked around. "Hey!" Spencer said anxiously. "Where's Stubby!?"

They searched high and low. Theoretically, it shouldn't be hard to find a cat the size of a blimp. But Stubby was nowhere to be seen. It was Alice who found the Stubby shaped hole in the wall.

"How do we follow him/it/her?" Shannon asked.

"It shouldn't be hard," Hayden said. "Stubby's so fat, his footprints made indentations in the road!" then, for dramatic effect, he slapped Shannon. "GET IT TOGETHER, MAN!"

Shannon got pissed. "YOU WANNA FREAKIN' GO!?" So they went into an all-out cage fight, with Shannon and her bad-ass lightsaber, and Hayden and his military weapons.

"END THE SILENCE, STOP THE VIOLENCE!!!" Stubby screamed, from many miles away. Everybody stopped, shrugged, and followed the voice of the massive Stubby.

…Several hours later…

"Why does this remind me of the forest moons of Endor?" Shannon asked.

Hayden growled. "Haven't you said that about 867,530,988,498,561,234,567,898 times already?!" He almost screamed.

"Sure," She said. Then she paused. "Why does this remind me of an emo boy raping a teddy bear?"

Hayden looked at her in horror.

"Never mind," She said, returning to her random musings.

Shannon, Hayden, Alice, and Panic had been traipsing through the jungle for like 5 hours. They were getting frustrated and tired. Shannon was sad because she had no more mimes to kill. Hayden was sad because he kind of missed Stubby. Spencer had cried himself to sleep long ago, and was now being carried around by Panic.

"Should we sing?" Alice randomly suggested.

Hayden's eyes lit up. "Okay! All together, now! G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S yeah!"

Shannon slapped Hayden.

"End the silence—oh shit," A voice not too far away said.

"Thank goodness Stubby can talk!" Ryan said.

[INSANE ASYLUM]

They walked around a tree, expecting to find Stubby. They did, but not in the way they expected.

"Greetings!" Stubby said, in a really lame attempt at alien talk. He was dressed in a bonnet and made up to look like an Ewok from Star Wars.

"Ewoks don't talk," Shannon, the _Star Wars _nerd pointed out.

Stubby just stared at them for a minute. Then he ran away, screaming in cat-speak.

"Well, that was random," Alice said. Spencer woke up, ran after Stubby, and knocked himself unconscious.

"Hey, look!" Brendon said. "A 7-11 store!"

They all went in, just for the hell of it.

You can't buy much in a 7-11 store for cat hunting. So all they ended up getting was a pack of tic-tacs that cost 90¢.

"Is it just me, or are these tic-tacs kind of addicting?" Hayden asked.

Shannon shoved 10 in her mouth. "Kind of, but we don't have a problem or anything."

They looked at each other for a moment. Hayden finally broke the silence.

"How much money do you have?"

They both ran back inside the store, and spent $500 on tic-tacs. As they walked out of the store, Hayden turned to Shannon.

"This should be enough to last us at least a day or two," he said.

Shannon looked doubtful. "Maybe…"

That night, Shannon and Hayden got REALLY hyper off of the tic-tacs. The twinsies were bouncing off the walls. They decided to officially change their names to Shotgun and Hacksaw, aka Miss Party and Mr. Wedding. They partied down while listening to "Alice at the Disco" and watching _Hairspray_. Come midnight, everything was quiet.

I take that back. Everything SHOULD have been quiet. Shannon was going through withdrawal. Those tic-tacs had affected her in ways that tic-tacs never should. She would have been okay, but they had run out of tic-tacs three hours ago. She had to get more. But first she had to get more money.

She decided to steal money from Panic at the Disco. She was afraid that Alice would kill her if she tried to steal from him. So she snuck into the Panic at the Disco bedroom on Hayden's royal zeppelin. Secretly, Hayden followed her.

Inside Panic's bedroom, Shannon and Hayden found Spencer crying himself to sleep. It was disturbing how attached one man could be to a cat. Hayden must have thought so, too.

"GET IT TOGETHER, MAN!" Hayden screamed randomly at Spencer. Shannon screamed, too.

Spencer was too consumed by his own sorrow for Stubby that he didn't hear either of the two twinsies.

"Hacksaw!" Shannon whispered urgently. "What the hell are you doing here!?" She asked.

"Really, I just had to empty my bladder AGAIN. But then I saw you awake, and decided to see what you were up to," he said.

"WHY, STUBBY, WHY!?" Spencer cried. "YOU WERE MY EVERYTHING!"

"Um… ANYWAY…" Shannon said, rolling her eyes. "Yeah, I was gonna steal some money from Panic to get more tic-tacs."

"Shotgun, I think you have a problem…" Hayden began.

"I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM!!!" Shannon screamed. "YOU'RE THE ONE WITH A PROBLEM!!! YOU AND HAVING TO PEE EVERY FIVE SECONDS OR ELSE 'VERY BAD THINGS WILL HAPPEN!!!'"

Hayden was about to retaliate, but stopped in mid sentence. "I'll be back in a second…" then he turned around and ran to the restroom. Shannon laughed maniacally.

Just then, Brendon walked out in his jammies. "Yo what up home dawg!?" He asked.

Shannon raised an eyebrow. "Brendon, I don't think you're very 'gangsta.'"

Brendon blinked. "Naw, fool! When I was a little dude, I stole a motor bike and ran away to the local 7-11 where my posse hung out."

Shannon's eyes glazed over at "7-11." "Uh, Brendon? Can I have some money?"

Brendon raised an eyebrow. "You have to win MY money."

So Shannon and Brendon played a magical game of Dance Dance Revolution for Brendon's cash. Shannon won, cause she's just that friggen awesome. (Insert here: "and hell yeah, I'm the mother****** princess!"

The audience boos.

The author, who has a fondness for Shannon, kills the audience. Except for Hayden/Hacksaw. Nobody else would play twinsies with her. *so sad.*

ANYWAY…

So Shannon got the money she needed, and ran away to 7-11. Meanwhile, Hacksaw FINALLY came out of the bathroom. Apparently he had gotten lost.

When Shannon/Shotgun came back, she had bags FULL of tic-tac packs. This is what you call addiction. Thank God that there was no way she could get any chocolate flavored tic-tacs. (The invention of the future. Duh.)

The next morning, while Shannon was enjoying her tic-tac high, they all decided to take a walk through "Endor." There wasn't much to see, besides trees and grass and shrubs and wood and forestry and plants and vegetation and crap and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris happened upon our lovely little group while killing grizzly bears with his bare hands.

"End the silence, stop the violence!" Shannon screamed randomly, looking disturbed.

"Those pamphlets REALLY screwed you up, didn't they?" Hayden asked, referring to a time where he and Zach had beaten her with pamplets warning against rape. She nodded.

Chuck Norris was in the process of eating a giant sequoia tree. Seriously. He said it gave him fiber.

"So, Chuck, what are you doing out here?" Asked the only man equally scary as Chuck. (Alice)

"I'm on a mission for Dr. Phil, Alice." Chuck said in his bad-ass style.

"Why does Dr. Phil want you eating trees?" Shannon asked. Hayden was too scared to say anything, kind of like when he was too scared to tell Mrs. Nickerson that the printer was out of paper. ANYWAY…

"Dr. Phil's mind works in strange ways, little girl."

"My name is Shotgun!" She said.

WEDDING.

Oh come on, you knew that was coming.

Chuck was now wrestling a mountain lion. Go figure. "You've all been watching my show, right?" He asked, referring to _Walker, Texas Ranger_ on Hallmark channel.

Shannon made the first wrong move. "No, actually, I prefer Hallmark shows like _7__th__ Heaven._ Sorry, dude."

Chuck's eyes widened, and he became angry. You wouldn't like him when he's angry. Hayden's eyes widened with fear. He ran away.

(Sure, and leaves US all alone with an angry Chuck Norris. Nice. Real nice.)

Thankfully, Brendon knew exactly what to do at a time like this. Hayden came back, saying that he had called for an emergency attack with the zeppelins, but Brendon already had it taken care of. He took out his secret weapon.

His monopoly man disguise.

Sorry Hayden, we'll have to save the zeppelin attack for later.

Chuck Norris cowered in fear at the monopoly man. He screamed and ran away.

"I wonder why Chuck Norris is afraid of the monopoly man…" Shannon mused.

Hayden sat down to tell them the urban tale.

"Once upon a time, Chuck Norris was a little boy. *gasp.* He did everything that little boys do. He played with trucks, traded baseball cards, and stole Victoria's Secret catalogs. So one day, Chuck got a hold of some steroids. I'm sure this comes as a surprise to no one.

"Anyway, the steroids got him so drugged up, that he had visions of the monopoly man talking to him. And that is why it's Chuck's number one enemy. The end."

Shannon's eyes filled with tears. "THAT STORY WAS A MAGICAL STORY!!!" She cried.

That it was. That it was.


	5. Hugs make the world go 'round

CHAPTER NUMBER SOMETHING

Chuck ran back to his wet nurse AKA Oprah in tears. It was a violent reunion that resulted in Chuck going all Hulk on the world. After Chuck had calmed down, he told them of the evils of Panic, Alice, and the twinsies. The mention of Alice infuriated Dr. Phil and Oprah. The mention of the twinsies infuriated Zac Efron, who was still around 'cuz he had no other friends. Loser.

"I don't think Stubby has gone all psycho on their asses yet…" Dr. Phil observed.

Oprah suddenly had a realization. "Duh!" she said. "We only set his dial on 'skitzo,' not 'attack' mode!"

So very discreetly, Oprah amped up Stubby's craziness by a notch or two. Not good…Not good…

Back at the zeppelin.

"We defeated Chuck! We defeated Chuck!" Everybody sang victoriously. To celebrate, Shannon had opened all of her packs of tic-tacs, so now everybody was feelin' the buzz.

Unfortunately, danger was ahead.

Shannon and Hayden were in the middle of playing Dance Dance Revolution, when suddenly Hayden stopped.

"I feel weird again…" He said, wondering which one of his senses were tingling THIS time.

"Maybe you just have to pee," Shannon suggested, as she proceeded to kick his ass at the game. "You know, or else 'very bad things will happen.'"

Hayden considered this for a moment. "No, it's more like my Kellstrom senses are acting up."

They both looked around anxiously. Sure enough, a seeping liquid was spreading across the floor. But a second later you could hear Jon say, "Damn! I spilled my Jack Daniels!"

Shannon shrugged at Hayden. "Maybe you're just delusional."

Hayden slowly took out his keys and whipping lanyard.

"Or not!" She quickly added to save herself from getting whipped. She stared out into space for a minute. "Hayden, I have something to important to ask you."

Hayden looked at her apprehensively. "What?"

"Does Darth Vader ever remind you of a gothic Pepsi machine?"

Silence.

"I guess not."

Later that night, Shannon's tic-tac buzz was fading. She needed more. Badly. Or else "very bad things would happen." Ha.

She snuck down to her secret tic-tac hide out, and looked inside her bags. They were all empty! Who could have eaten them?! She heard rabid breathing in the corner. Who ever it was, she was about to teach that bastard son-of-a-bitch his lesson. She rounded the corner and found…

…Stubby.

He didn't look too dangerous, but a cat on tic-tacs/drugs could be a VERY bad thing.

"Alice!" She called, hoping that the master of freaky could solve this problem. Unfortunately, instead of Alice, Spencer walked in.

"STUBBY!!!" He screamed, running forward to hug his lover. But as soon as Spencer touched Stubby, he attacked. Blood and fur flew everywhere. Shannon took out a camera for the occasion. Then she came to her senses, and called for help. But by the time help came, Stubby had fled. Spencer was still breathing, though.

"That's funny…" Alice mused. "Stubby never appeared homicidal…Just PMS filled."

But there was no denying the barely conscious bloody mass on the floor known as Spencer.

"You know what this means…" Shannon said.

Hayden grinned psychotically. "War! I'll set the zeppelin to attack mode! SCREW ENDING SILENCE AND STOPPING VIOLENCE!"

Spencer was crying. "NOBODY EVER LOVED ME LIKE THAT CAT DID! WHO DO I HAVE LEFT IN LIFE?!"

"Aww…" Shannon said. "Do you need a hug?" She asked the poor, freaky-looking drummer. "Hugs make the world go 'round!"

Dead silence.

"Fine then, you guys suck." She said, sauntering off to find a way to get more tic-tacs.


	6. The first epic battle

CHAPTER THE ONE AFTER THE LAST ONE

Oddly enough, Oprah and Dr. Phil had moved Frankenstein's lab to a space-ship up in the sky. It looked a lot like the death star, bur for copyright infringement purposes, we'll call it the Harpo Station.

Stubby, who could fly, went up to the Harpo Station, to find out of his mission. He went to Oprah and bowed.

"What is thy bidding, my master?"

Ok, a little more Stubby, a little less Star Wars. Please don't sue me George Lucas.

"Stubby," Oprah said. "I want you to kill the one known as Alice Cooper."

"But Master, I love his sexy black leather pants!" Stubby meowed.

"I DON'T CARE!" Oprah screamed. "I also want you to kill the ones known as Panic at the Disco, and the ones known as twinsies. They are infuriating me to no end."

Stubby bowed. "Yes, Master Oprah."

Oprah cackled as he left.

***

When Hayden found Shannon, she was standing on a street corner, holding a sign that said "will strip for tic-tacs." She even had a boom box next to her, playing Hayden's stripping song.

"Shannon, this is what you are known as our Nazi prostitute." Hayden said. He took her sign, and changed it to "please honk, or else we'll strip." Good times, good times…

"But Hayden, I HAVE to get more tic-tacs! It's a part of my soul!" She complained.

"I agree! But stripping is not the answer." Hayden said.

"Well, do YOU have any suggestions?" Shannon asked. They both paused to think.

And in a sick, twisted way, the ancient Aztecs inspired Shannon's next "brilliant" idea.

Ryan Ross was always known as the quiet and kind guitarist of Panic at the Disco. His "dark side" included all of the lyrics he wrote about whores that Hayden loves oh so much. Fame and money had prepared the noble 21-year-old for a lot in his life, but nothing quite like what he was about to see.

When Ryan walked into the weapon's room upon Hayden's zeppelin, he found the twinsies inside performing some strange ritual. Hayden was lying on a table, and Shannon was dressed as an Aztec priest, with a dagger in hand. She aimed the weapon over Hayden.

"Excuse me, WTF are you doing?" Ryan asked.

Shannon looked up. "I'm cutting out Hayden's kidneys (specifically the right one) to sell them on the black market. We need money for tic-tacs."

Ryan looked at them strangely. He pulled a $20 bill out of his wallet, and threw it at them. Then he ran away.

"Thank you!" Shannon called.

"GOD BLESS THE REPUBLIC!!!" Hayden screamed.

***

Stubby was hiding. He laid inside the cash register at the local 7-11. He knew the twinsies would be coming…Any second now…

Sure enough, the twinsies (wearing matching Hawaiian shirts) skipped into the store holding Ryan's $20 bill. They knew right where the tic-tacs were, and they each grabbed a handful. Then, they both beat up an old lady for more money. Unfortunately, the old lady was a ninja, and kicked their sorry asses. So in shame and defeat, they just gathered their $20 worth of tic-tacs and went up to the register. A guy that reminded them of Apu from _The Simpsons_ rang them off.

Just as the dude was going to say, "Thank-you, come again!" Stubby leapt out of the cash register!

Shannon and Hayden screamed, and Stubby bared his fangs. Then he attacked Hayden, figuring he would be the one carrying weapons. How wrong he was.

Shannon whipped out her bad-ass lightsaber, just as Stubby was going for the jugular. Stubby got scared. He thought we had dropped all that Star Wars crap! Once again, how wrong he was.

With Stubby distracted, Hayden used his magical powers (the power of being a twinsie) and summoned a pistol from the zeppelin. He had Stubby up at gunpoint.

"I surrender!" Stubby meowed/screamed. Then he scampered away, and flew off into the night.

"This is getting serious!" Hayden said, putting down the gun. Shannon nodded.

"Totally." She said. "I think he has a master and everything. There's obviously more than one person that we're fighting."

Hayden grinned evilly. "We need an army!" He exclaimed. "We can get the zeppelins together and everything! Oh, this will be jolly good fun!" He said in his really CHEESY and fake British accent. *shudder.*

So Hayden became "the boy who could fly," and flew them back to the zeppelin. Not really. Hayden's not that special. ANYWAY…

They went back to the zeppelin, and called for a group meeting ASAP. They told the down low of what was going on with Stubby, and began conspiring a plan.

"Who's working with Stubby?" Brendon asked. "Is there anyone that we've pissed off lately that would hire him?"

Shannon and Hayden broke down into "innocent look" mode.

"You guys WERE being kind of mean to Zac Efron." Ryan pointed out.

"Yeah, but Zac Efron's not that smart to hire a dangerous cat to kill us. He's not that smart at all, really." Shannon pointed out.

"True…"

"There must be more of them out there, besides Zac and Stubby." Brendon said.

Hayden hit the table with his fist. "Then we need an army, damnit!" He looked down at his injured hand. "Oww…"

"How do we get an army?" Jon asked. "Or minions of any kind, really."

Just then, Alice had a brilliant idea.

"I know!" He said. "Let's call the password to my bank account—I mean, 1-800-GRANT-MY-WISHES-CUZ-IM-SAD! That's how you guys were born!" Alice said, gesturing at Panic.

"That's right!" Ryan said. "Before that, we were just mystical beings floating around making sexy and scandalous music."

"Hey, did you know that the fairy emo lover running that phone service is my little brother?" Brendon asked.

"Wow." Shannon said. "You guys must have won the gene pool lottery!"

"That's nice." Alice said. "Now call my bank account—I mean that number, and order us up an army!"

Shannon was in the process of writing down the number so she could later hack into Alice's bank and steal money for tic-tacs. Er—anyways…

Brendon dialed the number. The familiar voice on the other end said a mystic "hello?"

"Yo Chad, wassup homedawg!?"

"Not much, Bden, wassup wit you home slice?"

Alice and Hayden vomited. Shannon considered gift wrapping it and sending it to Zac, but she was in enough trouble already.

ANYWAY, Alice stole the phone from Brendon.

"Chad? This is Alice. We need minions for an army against the evil forces known as Stubby and Zac Efron."

"Well, I'm sorry Alice. There's only one wish per person. You have to have someone else make this wish for you," Chad said.

Then Alice said some choice words that should never be said, and cannot be written down unless we want this story to become R-rated.

Brendon stole the phone back from Alice. "How about I make this wish?" He asked. "Chad, I wish I had a group of minions as awesome and cool as me."

"Mmmkay!" Chad said. Then he hung up the phone.

The sky gave a mighty rumble. It sounded comparable to what a Stubby belly growl would sound like. But that's beside the point. The clouds opened up, and four young men fell from the sky, screaming. After they had landed, the emo-looking dude stood up.

"Behold! It is I, Pete Wentz! And my friends: Andy Hurley, Joe Trohman, and Patrick Stump! (Yay!) And we are: Fall Out Boy!"

"Why are you wearing Christmas lights?" Hayden asked, noting that the four men were covered in strings of shiny colored bulbs.

"We were decorating before we fell down." Said the awesome and bad ass Patrick.

Shannon sighed. "Okay, am I doing the 'we're not worthy' thing by myself or what?" She asked. Zach suddenly appeared out of nowhere, and they went through the ritual. Then Zach ran away.

"That's nice," Hayden said.

"Okay!" Alice said, gearing up for attack mode. "We have a pretty friggen sweet army now. We just need to make a plan on how to attack Stubby and Zac."

"But we don't know who's working with Stubby and Zac," Ryan pointed out.

"We can ask Chad later," Hayden said, slipping into military mode. (Which made Shannon scared, and she watched his key-chain hand nervously.) "Now we just need the plan."

"I know!" Brendon said excitedly. "We dress up, and follow Stubby! Then we sneak into wherever his hide-out is, and attack from the inside!" he cackled like a mad genius.

"That's the worst plan ever!" Hayden said.

"God gave you looks, but no brains, huh Brendon?" Shannon asked.

Brendon pouted. "Well **I **thought it was a good plan…"

Suddenly, Hayden screamed. He turned around, and found Pete licking his hair.

"Excuse me, WTF are you doing?!" Hayden asked Pete. Pete mooed.

"Pete has mad cow disease," Andy said. "He thinks he's a cow."

"That could explain the cowlick," Shannon said, gesturing to Hayden's hair.

The audience boos, and throws tomatoes at the author for her lame cowlick joke.

"Whatever, holms." Brendon said. Then he flew off into the night 'cuz he's just that friggen magical.

"So how are we going to attack Stubby?" the equally magical Patrick asked. (Note: Patrick is magical because he gives nerds home everywhere that they might become rock stars one day. That and his voice is sure to give your ears an orgasm.)

"We should attack violently with the zeppelins!" Hayden cackled.

So they organized an attack on the Harpo Station. Jon wished them up an army, and Hayden organized the zeppelins.

When they reached the scene of the Harpo Station, Hayden ordered the zeppelins up.

Just then, Stubby dropped from the sky and started to grow. Hayden fired the zeppelin. Stubby's fat absorbed the blow. The army attacked from the ground. Stubby sat on them, and the screams were horrific. The Harpo Station fired a shot at the nearest zeppelin (which luckily only carried mimes) and it blew up. So the other zeppelins stopped firing at Stubby, and made the Harpo Station their new target. But before anyone could fire, Shannon let out a scream.

"STOP! DON'T FIRE! MY SEXY LEAD SINGER SENSES ARE TINGLING!"

Hayden just stared at her. Then Shannon realized what she had just said.

"Er…I mean Brendon's on the ship." She covered up lamely. "DON'T JUDGE ME!"

Hayden sighed. "I guess we're going to have to save his ass, huh?"

Shannon was already too busy trying to figure out which buttons on the zeppelin were the most fun to push. Lovely.

Hayden flew the zeppelin up to the Harpo Station, and the twinsies boarded the Station secretly.


	7. The great escape

CHAPTER THE ONE THAT SHANNON WROTE SO HAYDEN WOULDN'T KILL HER

Shannon and Hayden sneaked around the Harpo Station, looking for their wayward singer.

"What would he have been doing here in the first place!?" Hayden asked.

"I know!" Shannon said, pointing.

They spotted Brendon seductively stripping off a super-sexy ringmaster's outfit, complete with a top hat and cane.

[Insert fan girls here.]

"BRENDON BOYD URIE, YOU GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE BEFORE I EAT YOU!!!" Hayden screamed.

The twinsies and Brendon ran away from the Station, preparing to resume battle below. They re-boarded the zeppelin, and Shannon began pressing random buttons again. Hayden slapped her and she stopped.

Once on the ground again, Hayden unleashed his new battle plan. This included Shannon's ghetto/bad ass lightsaber. Hayden pretended to be a Jedi and force-choke people, but he really isn't that cool.

…Yeah.

But once Stubby saw Shannon's lightsaber, he reacted badly, screaming and clawing at everything in sight. Essentially, he had a huge hissy-fit.

But Stubby was smart. He knew he could sit on the twinsies and make them PANCAKES. He was about to do just that, but who appeared out of nowhere to save the day?

No, not your mom.

No, not superman.

No, not even John Travolta and the cast of _Hairspray._

Yes, it was the awesome and almighty ALICE COOPER!!!

Alice fell out of the sky, dressed in his magic guru outfit. He was carrying a pouch full of "potions." Hayden suspected them to be Kool-Aid. Shannon totally fell for it. (Wait, why am I stupid in this story?)

"Oh, Alice!" She said. "Will you put a spell or some evil curse on Stubby!?" She asked.

Alice thought about it for a minute. "Mmmmmkay. If you say so."

"Don't kill him though!" She warned. She glanced over at Spencer, who was crying in the corner. "We might have a suicide on our hands if Stubby dies."

"Like _Romeo and Juliet_?" Hayden asked.

She nodded. "Only a billion times more screwed up."

Anyway, Alice started chanting and dancing, preparing to curse Stubby. It was rather disturbing. Then, he spun around for his final incantation:

"_Soy snakebite!"_

…Hayden and Shannon stared.

"That was it!?" Hayden asked, disgusted. Shannon saw the warning signs, and put restraining chains on Hayden before any Alice abuse could take place.

There was a mighty struggle between the twinsies, and both of them were screaming as Alice ran away. None of them heard the deafening scream/roar over the twinsies' chatter until they finally stopped. Then they looked up at the monstrosity known as Stubby.

"I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!" Stubby screamed. He was missing one of his ears.

"Why can't you hear us?" Shannon asked. "We're not exactly being quiet…" Then she noticed the ear. "Oh…"

~AND NOW WE STOP FOR COMMERCIAL BREAK~

Buy chocolate. For Shannon. NOW.

Okay, that was lame and I was just having writer's block. So sue me. Freak.

Back to the story.

Everybody ran away from Stubby, who was screaming in terror and anger. As they ran, Pete wished for a hideaway for everybody. Lo and behold, out of the sky fell a new zeppelin. It was huge. Its size was comparable to Stubby's. But best of all, it had an invisibility cloak.

Hayden wanted to go to India, but Shannon said no because they had no 7-11 store in India. Shannon wanted to go to Sam Goody, but Hayden thought that was too obvious.

They needed to go somewhere that was so huge and confusing that no one would find them. Someplace as evil as Stubby himself/itself.

They went to Wal-mart.

Yeah, I know.


	8. Cat speak and Criss Angel

CHAPTER UMM…IDK

Wal-mart, SURPRISINGLY, was kind of a fun hideout. Shannon loved the music and DVD section. Hayden loved the Swifter Duster section. Everyone loved their everyday low prices.

And best of all, they carried tic-tacs. Yum.

Ah, but alas—good things only last so long. They should have known that deep down, underneath that creepy smiley face, Wal-mart is pure evil. And evil can only be owned by evil. Meaning, yes, OPRAH owned evil. I mean Sith Corp. I mean Wal-mart.

SO, it was no surprise that one day Oprah stopped by Wal-mart for a little visit. All would have been fine if she hadn't seen Alice in the lingerie department. She freaked out at the sight of her son, and immediately called the Harpo Station for attack mode.

Our friendly heroes rushed onto the zeppelin, and activated the invisibility cloak. But, sadly, the invisibility cloak was a cheap knock-off of Harry Potter, and so it didn't work. Damn.

Hayden threw the zeppelin into mega speed overdrive, and they started going a gazillion miles an hour. But Stubby started growing. The bigger Stubby grew, the faster he could chase after them. It was a never ending cycle of terror.

Luckily, the zeppelin had the capability to go into outer space, and even to other planets! This was due to a super-cool episode of _Pimp my Zeppelin._

But you must remember: Stubby is magical. Stubby grew so huge that he too, was able to go into outer space. Not only that, but Stubby got so friggen gigantic that he was able to go from one planet to another JUST BY STEPPING! He didn't though, of course, because remember boys and girls, Stubby can FLY. Take that, bitches.

It was only a matter of time before Stubby caught up to the zeppelin, and ate it to trap them. He then went back to earth, and shrunk down to normal kitty size. He vomited up the zeppelin as soon as his stomach acid had disabled the controls.

Everybody stepped out of the zeppelin in defeat, and looked up at Stubby.

What they saw was disturbing, to say the least.

Stubby's eyes were glowing, and black makeup dripped from around his eye sockets… Wait--Since when did Stubby start wearing Alice makeup?

"Seriously, when DID you start wearing my makeup?" Alice asked.

"SILENCE!!!" Stubby screamed.

*crickets.*

"I SAID SILENCE!!!" Stubby re-screamed.

*the crickets drop dead.*

"NOW," Stubby boomed. "I will begin my powerful and incredibly LONG-WINDED speech about why I, Stubby Winifred the Cat the First, should rule over you IMBECILS!!! First off, I demand that you DIMWITTED FOOLS bow down to my awesome powerfulness, and grovel at my feel! Go on!!! Get down there!!! Kiss them!!! KISS THEM YOU FOOLS!!! Mwahahahahahah!"

*silence.*

Shannon nudged Hayden. "Did you get any of that? I wasn't paying attention!"

Hayden shrugged, and pointed at Stubby. "No comprende, Señor! No comprende!"

Stubby roared with laughter. "HA! I BAFFLED YOU FOOLS!!! NOW I HAVE YOU UNDER MY COMPLETE CONTROL!!! Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahah

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahha *hack* wahahahahahhahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah*cough* hahahahah

Hahahahaha *choke* hahahahahahahhahhahahhahahha*giggle* hahahhahahahahahahaha hahaahhhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahah hahahahahah*wheeze* hahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahah*asthma attack* hahahahahahahahahahah HA! Take that, bitches!"

*silence.*

"…That's nice," Shannon said sarcastically.

"WHAT!? Was that SARCASM I heard in your voice, young lady!?" Stubby snarled.

Shannon shrugged.

"NOW YOU SHALL DIE!!! I WILL KILL AND EAT YOU ALL, AND DIGEST YOU SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY OVER SEVEN YEARS, LIKE A PIECE OF GUM!!!" Stubby screamed.

"Um…What?" Alice asked.

"PREPARE TO DIE, FREAKS!" And with that, Stubby took out a machine gun so deadly, it made Barney the purple dinosaur look safe.

All of our lovable characters screamed in terror, and began running as fast as they could. Stubby galloped after them, aiming the gun with his tail.

As they ran, Hayden took out his cell phone and dialed 1-800-GRANT-MY-WISHES-CUZ-IM-SAD. They made Andy (the drummer of Fall Out Boy) make a wish, and suddenly the sky gave a mighty rumble.

A figure fell from the aforementioned sky, and rose as CRISS ANGEL. (Aka the mind freak.) With a snap of his fingers, a click of his heels, and an utterance of "there's no place like home" (wtf?), Chris Angel did his magical magic. He disappeared into thin air a minute later, and our wonderful group turned to see what had happened to the monstrosity known as Stubby.

His head was sticking out of one side of a fence, while Stubby's body was sticking out of the fence from another angle, several yards away.

Now it was the good guy's time to laugh maniacally. But I'm too lazy to write out all of that laughter, so I'm just gonna end this chapter.


	9. Touch my tummy and DIE

CHAPTER NINE (YES, I WENT THROUGH AND COUNTED)

After our heroes' maniacal laughter, they repaired the zeppelin and went off to have a party. Woo!

Meanwhile, Stubby was not having so much fun. To get his head and his body back together, Chuck Norris had to rip them out of the fence and reconnect them with duct tape. Since duct tape fixes everything, this worked out pretty well. But then there were the lectures that Stubby had to face. The yellings from Dr. Phil. The beatings from Chuck. The salary cuts from Oprah. And oh God, the forced stripping episodes from Zac Efron.

*shudders.*

Either way, Stubby was demoted from being top spy anymore. This made Stubby angry, but there wasn't much he could do but sulk. It was kind of sad and pathetic.

Oprah, who was head honcho over the whole operation, assigned Dr. Phil to start the next attack. Her only instructions to him were to "get creative."

So, with his new mission in mind, Dr. Phil set off to the Harpo Station's kitchen.

Now, let me explain something. Dr. Phil may be smart when it comes to therapy and crap like that, but he's not too good at cooking. So in essentials, Dr. Phil + fully stocked kitchen = bad idea. Dr. Phil had the "brilliant" idea to make some donuts, and somehow send them to our heroes. But apparently, the donuts were to be spiked with poison.

(Rather malicious for a doctor, don't you think?)

Anyway, Dr. Phil started playing in the kitchen with rather dangerous results. He almost cut off several different limbs with a butcher knife, he repeatedly forgot to put the top on the blender, and his first concoction promptly exploded in the over.

It took him about seven or eight or twenty times to get it right. Then, he realized he had forgotten to add the poison.

STUPID!!!

So he FINALLY got the whole thing figured out. And with that, he sent the donuts in a care package from "anonymous" to our loveable heroes.

He laughed maniacally, and then for good measure, giggled like the Pillsbury Doughboy.

No, I'm not on drugs.

Meanwhile, back at the mighty and magical zeppelin…

"I AM HUNGRY!!!" Brendon roared.

Nobody on the zeppelin really cared.

"I'M HUNGRY!!!" Brendon screamed again. Once again, nobody was listening. They were too busy doing their own crap. For example, Shannon and Hayden were ramming into each other with yoga balls. But that's a whole other story.

Suddenly, the doorbell rang. Yes, apparently there is a doorbell on the zeppelin. Anyway, Shannon answered the door. A UPS delivery man answered the door.

"Hello, my name is Bob," He said. "My career went to shit after I hit a dog with my truck in a random English composition. Here's your package." He shoved the box at Shannon, and ran away crying.

"I love you too!" She called after him. Then she shut the door.

"Hmm…" She said, sniffing the package. "It smells like donuts!"

Suddenly, Brendon pounced on her.

"Hey! BUY ME A DRINK FIRST, BUDDY!" She screamed. Then she realized why Brendon had really pounced on her.

"Oh…" She said. "Here you go." She handed him the package, and he ran away, foaming at the mouth. Scary.

Hayden walked into the room. "Were you being violently attacked and raped?" He asked out of mild curiosity.

Shannon shrugged. "Nope, I guess not!" She said.

"Oh, okay. Just checking. Wanna go play lightsabers with baseball bats?" He asked.

"YOU KNOW IT!" She screamed.

And so the twinsies skipped away happily to go take part in mass harm and violence.

Meanwhile, Brendon wasn't having so much fun.

He had been spending the last 10 minutes trying to open the box that contained his desperately needed donuts. Unfortunately, as I stated before, Brendon is more looks than brains. Finally, he managed to get the package open with a chainsaw.

His stomach growled happily and hungrily upon seeing the donuts. He essentially inhaled the first one he saw, but spit it out in disgust a minute later. '

"WTF?!?" He screamed at the pastry.

"What's wrong?" Alice asked, coming into the room wearing a scuba mask.

"This donut tastes like crap!" Brendon complained.

"Have you ever actually eaten crap?" Alice asked.

"Er…No?" Brendon said hesitantly.

"Oh. I have. It's not that great."

*silence.*

"I wonder if this donut is poisoned…" Brendon said, breaking the awkward silence.

Alice suddenly started singing his 1989 hit "Poison" (also Shannon's ring tone) until he realized Brendon was looking at him funny.

"Um… Let me taste it," He said, covering up the blunder.

Alice took a bite of the donut. "Oh my gosh! That donut IS poisoned! You didn't swallow any of it, did you?" he asked.

"No."

"Good," Alice sighed with relief. "Because it's poisoned with asbestos and formaldehyde!"

The two looked at each other gravely.

"Who could have sent it?" Brendon asked.

"Well, is there anybody who wants us dead?" Alice asked.

The two sat there for a very long time, trying to figure out somebody who hated them. Brendon finally spoke up.

"I can't think of anyone who wants to kill us…" He said.

"Me neither." Alice said.

Suddenly, Spencer was heard crying in the next room. "Oh WHY, Stubby, WHY did you leave me!?"

"Oh right," Brendon said. "Stubby."

"Mmmkay," Alice said. "So Stubby sent us poisoned donuts. What do we do to get back at him?"

"Prank call his house?" Brendon suggested.

Suddenly, out of no where, Chad the fairy emo lover aka Brendon Urie's little brother appeared.

"Hey guys, what's happening?" Chad asked.

"Stubby just tried to poison me with a renegade donut and now we're going to prank call his house in revenge," Brendon said.

"Oh. That sucks," Chad said. "But why are you going to prank call him? Why don't you try to poison Stubby back instead?"

Alice shrugged. "We don't know how. I've never tried to poison anybody before. I'm more of an 'attack with a switchblade' kind of guy."

"Well why don't you wish for someone to help you?" Chad asked. "I could help you out with that, you know."

"We've both used up our wishes," Brendon said.

Chad looked at Alice. "Don't you have kids to do your bidding?" He asked.

"Oh yeah!" Alice said. "CALICO," He called. "DADDY HAS A FAVOR TO ASK YOU!"

Calico Cooper, Alice Cooper's oldest spawn, skipped into the room. "Yes Daddy?" She asked.

Alice nodded at Chad. "Tell this nice young man right here that you wish you had a master chef to help us poison Stubby."

She stared at him. "Are you friggen serious?" She asked in disbelief.

Alice looked shocked. "When have I EVER lied to you?!" He asked.

Calico's mind filled with lies of tooth fairies, Easter Bunnies, and storks. But she brushed the comment off.

She sighed. "I wish I had a master chef to help Brendon and my dad poison Stubby."

Chad winked at her. "Whatever you say, babe!" He snapped his fingers, and disappeared a second later.

Calico turned to Brendon, and pointed to where Chad had been seconds ago. "Is he single?" She asked. Brendon just stared.

Suddenly, the sky gave a mighty rumble. A high pitched scream was heard as someone fell out of the clouds. It was hard to consider it a scream though. Instead of it being a typical scream like "Ah-ah-ah-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee!!!" It was more like "He-he-he-he-he!!!" it was rather disturbing and reminiscent of Barney the purple dinosaur.

Alice and Brendon ran outside to see what the commotion was about.

Outside, in the middle of the yard, was a splattered white blob. Brendon picked up a stick, went over, and poked the blob. It giggled upon being poked. Brendon jumped back, scared.

The white blob started to shift and move, and then materialized into none other than the Pillsbury Doughboy.

Alice clapped his hands in glee. "You must be our master chef!"

The Pillsbury Doughboy giggled. "Of course I am!"

"Wait—don't you only do baked goods?" Brendon asked.

Alice leaned over and whispered: "It shouldn't be hard to get him to do our bidding. All we have to do is poke his belly!"

The Pillsbury Doughboy turned his head toward Alice, a malicious look in his eyes. "I wouldn't do that if I were you…" He growled.

Brendon scoffed. "What are you gonna do? Giggle us to death?" For effect, Brendon picked up the stick, and headed towards the Doughboy.

But the Doughboy was fast. And evil.

"_Touch my tummy and DIE," _the Doughboy hissed, pulling a pistol from out of nowhere.

Brendon screamed like a little girl and ran away.

"I guess it's just you and me now!" The Doughboy said in a way-too-happy voice, his eyes glowing a malicious red.

Luckily, Alice Cooper doesn't get scared that easily. "So," he asked "What are we gonna bake to poison Stubby?"

The Doughboy's eyes stopped glowing. "Whatever you wanna make, you funny bunny!" Then for good measure he added "hee hee!"

Alice thought for a moment. "You know," he said. "I do an annual Christmas Pudding show each year. Why don't we make Stubby some pudding?"

"I'm the friggen Pillsbury Doughboy! Not Betty Crocker!!!"

"Okay…" Alice said. "We can make it bread pudding."

"IT'S A DEAL!" The PDB screamed.

If you thought cooking with Dr. Phil was bad, you have never even imagined cooking with Alice. It was violently messy.

A chicken got involved somewhere, but that's a whole other story. *

* For the whole other story, ask Shannon.

Anyway, the cooking went bad. But the pudding was finally ready. They put it into a nice and lovely care package, all ready to send to Stubby. When Shannon and Hayden caught wind of this idea, they went around the zeppelin decapitating mimes and finding sick/twisted things to put in the package. It was a lovely affair. They put a nice little pink bow on top, to add that "home made" touch.

A few hours later…

The doorbell to the Harpo Station rang. Zac Efron, of all people, answered the door. He accepted the package gleefully, and proceeded to open it.

All of the gross things in the package spilled out at him. He started crying like a little girl, traumatized. He started rocking back and forth on his heels, and pulling out fistfuls of his hair. It was ugly. Millions of seven-year-old girls around the world screamed in horror.

"My life is ruined!" He screamed. "The only thing that can consol me is pudding!"

Just then, the pudding fell out of the package, along with another severed mime head.

"Yay!" He shrieked, and shoved his face in the bowl, not coming up until the pudding was gone.

"Magically delicious!" He exclaimed, as soon as his belly was full. Then, Zac suddenly didn't feel so good. He ran into the bathroom and proceeded to vomit/have diarrhea/get AIDS from biology class. It was bad.

After he was all better, Zac ran crying to Oprah about the horrors of the pudding. They went to the scene of the crime, and found a label that said "from anonymous aka not Alice Cooper." That was enough.

They threw the ship into gear, and raced to the zeppelin. Oprah burst in, and ran to the kitchen where Alice and the Pillsbury doughboy were found.

"Alice! Did you poison Zac with some renegade pudding!?"

"No, of course not! Not _me!_"

Unfortunately, no one was fooled by Alice's lie. He was wearing a Santa hat and gleefully mixing more bowls of pudding.

I THINK WE HAVE ENOUGN PROOF HERE, PEOPLE.

Surprisingly, Oprah broke down in tears, and rushed over to hug Alice.

"Aw, my little baby's growing up to be evil just like his mommy!" She exclaimed. "I'm so proud!"

"Aw, thanks mom," Alice said, hugging back.

It was a Kodak moment.

*vomit*

"Excuse me," said the almighty authoress. "Can we PLEASE get back to the story?!"

"Oh, right," They said in unison.

Oprah shrieked to call Stubby. As soon as the mighty cat/fuzz ball/hermaphrodite appeared, Oprah gave her orders.

"Kill him," She said in a demonic voice.

"Yeth, Mather…" Stubby said with a lisp.

But Alice was quick, and he ran away screaming. Stubby was about to gallop after him, but the Pillsbury Doughboy decided to intervene.

"EAT MELON YOU LITTLE TWO-TIMING SON-OF-A-BITCH BASTARD MONKEY-LOVING LITTLE FART-KNOCKER!!!" It screamed, hurling a melon at Stubby's head. But Stubby ducked, and then showed the Pillsbury Doughboy his angry/ "game" face.

"….Oh, shit."

The Pillsbury Doughboy ran for his friggen life, screaming at the top of his high-pitched lungs.

Stubby laughed maniacally.

Then, he/she/it got an idea. He picked up the melon that the Pillsbury Doughboy had launched at him, and turned it into a make-shift battle helmet. Then he galloped after Alice, ready to look for some action.

Meanwhile, Alice, the Twinsies, Panic, and the rest of the gang were hidden in a closet. [Insert the song "Skeletons in my Closet" here.] But first, they had to dig a pathway through tic-tacs, because that closet was where Shannon and Hayden kept their secret stash.

[Now, for a lame joke, think of the song "Albuquerque," by Weird Al.]

Suddenly, there was a knock on the door.

"Who is it?" Hayden called.

No answer.

"Who IS it?" Alice called in a female sing-song voice.

There's no answer!

"WHO IS IT!?" Shannon screamed.

They're not sayin' anything!

So finally Brendon (the kind of "bright ideas") goes over and opens the door and just as we suspected—it's some big fat hermaphrodite with a flock-of-seagulls hair-cut and only one nostril!!!

Also known as…

STUBBY!!!

"HEEEEEEEEEEERE'S STUBBY!!!" He/she/it screeched.

Everybody in the closet got eaten by Stubby, except the Panic boys. They used their magic to escape Stubby's wrath, and come out of the closet as male strippers. I'll leave that interpretation up to the reader.

Anyway, the Panic boys apparated (hey look—another cheap knock-off of Harry Potter!) and went to a magical far away place where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer—yup! That's right! They went to Greenland!

Once there, they called a meeting on how they wanted to save the others. They made Ryan the leader of the meeting, because Brendon had gotten them into enough trouble, and Spencer was too busy crying. Jon didn't lead it because I said so.

Anyway, the foursome was busy discussing what to do about their situation.

"I don't care!" Spencer sobbed. "I don't wanna see that fat hermaphrodite of a cat ever again!"

"Spence, you need to move on with your life." Jon said all cool and smooth. "Get a koala or something."*

Spencer hung his head and cried. Again.

"Okay guys, what are we supposed to do?" Ryan asked.

"Write more songs about whores?" Jon suggested.

"That's tempting, but I don't think it'll work," Ryan said.

"Oh! I have an idea!" Brendon said. "We'll go to the zoo! And we'll buy some fishies! Then, we'll feed the fishies to Stubby! But we'll let the fishies rot first, so Stubby will get food poisoning! Then, he's throw up the fishies and our friends!"

"I don't think that'll work, Brendon…" Ryan started.

"WELL DO YOU HAVE ANY BETTER IDEAS!?" Brendon screamed.

So needless to say, they went to the zoo.


	10. Matrix the koala

CHAPTER NUMBER NEXT

Since I don't know if Greenland has zoos, our Panic boys went to San Diego. There, Jon, Brendon, and Ryan went to get 88,498,561,544,306,163,719,378,510,360 tons of fishies. But Spencer had another idea. He saw the koala exhibit. Now, go back to the previous chapter where the author left a star (*.) Go on. Do it now. Or, if you're too lazy, I'll directly quote: "Get a koala or something." So as you can imagine, Spencer got a koala.

He named it Matrix.

Matrix and Spencer soon fell in love. They ate together, bathed together; they even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss. (Can you tell I've been listening to Weird Al lately?)

One day, Spencer and Matrix were hugging under the mistletoe. This was the same day that our other Panic boys planned to poison Stubby. So they called him with the Stubby mating call.

(Imagine Shannon doing sick sheep noises, and you know Stubby's mating call.)

Sure enough, within five minutes a giant, lumbering fuzz ball came out of the mist.

"Here, kitty!" Brendon called, waving around the rancid fish. Stubby started coming towards him, until he caught one glimpse of the koala exhibit. More specifically, Spencer and Matrix.

Now, it is widely assumed that since Stubby ditched Spencer without any remorse, that Stubby never loved Spencer. That is a **lie**. Anybody who gives a cat kitty-treats will make that kitty fall in love forever. So yeah, maybe Stubby was a bitch for a while and ignored his soul mate, but deep down, Stubby never stopped loving Spencer.

But Spencer had been hurt and pissed at Stubby. So when Spencer looked up to see his ex-lover standing there wagging his tail, he felt nothing but venom.

"What now, bitch!" He said with WAY too much attitude.

Stubby literally felt his/her/its heart shatter into a million little pieces.

Have you ever seen a cat cry? It isn't a pretty sight. Stubby's tears were the size of the Great Lakes of Michigan. Spencer's eyes widened in fear, and Matrix had an accident. Oh dear.

Suddenly, Brendon appeared on the scene. "Come on, let's get outta here!" He screamed, and Spencer obeyed without hesitation. Together, the four Panic boys ran away, making an escape on Alpacas.

The boys were gaining a lot of ground, trying to give themselves enough time to avoid Stubby completely.

But suddenly, the rapper known as Xzibit (Damn, his name is hard to spell!) appeared out of nowhere and ambushed Panic.

"Yo yo yo homie-G's! We're here for a very special edition of Pimp my Ride!" He said.

"Um… But we're riding Alpacas," Jon pointed out.

Xzibit grinned. "That's why it's so special!"

"Er…We're kind of in a rush…" Brendon started.

But Xzibit and his team were already hard at work on the poor llama wannabees. They were busy combing hair/fur and painting hooves/toenails.

"Guys, we need to get outta here!" Brendon urged.

"Yeah, look at poor Matrix!" Spencer exclaimed, gesturing to the shaking marsupial in his arms.

But Jon and Ryan were both looking longingly at the Alpacas and their pedicures.

"They're using Bath and Body works…" Jon said wistfully.

Finally Brendon gave in. "Fine. We can stay for a LITTLE while. Girls." Jon and Ryan squealed in delight, and ran off to get bikini waxes.

Ouch. And ew.

ANYWAY…

Meanwhile, at the 2nd Cooper home aka inside Stubby's belly, all was well. Stubby's belly was, of course, so huge that there was enough room for shopping malls, gyms, and movie theaters. Our favorite twinsies were busy entertaining themselves in the gym, while doing fitness tapes with yoga balls.

This is called, "Conversations in P.E. Class." Let's watch and observe.

Shannon: "So, Panic is like, the best band ever…"

Hayden: "Pretty much!"

Shannon: "And Alice is pretty bad ass, too."

Hayden: "You know it!"

Shannon: "Sweeeeeeeeeet."

Hayden: "I love my swifter duster."

Wow. Fascinating. Well, that killed part of a page. Now back to Panic.

Panic was busy being pampered, and loving it WAAAAAY too much. Spencer was busy getting a facial, Jon was getting a massage, Ryan was having a foot rub, and Brendon was getting that beautiful hair of his styled even more perfectly. (Oh wait--you didn't read that. End of story.)

Anyway, all of them had totally forgotten about Stubby and their friends trapped within him. They were in complete and total ignorant bliss, until they heard the footsteps. They suddenly snapped back to reality, and leapt up from what they were doing.

"Quick! In there!" Ryan said, panicking, pointing toward a ditch. (No pun intended.) They all dove into their ditch, and tried desperately to stay quiet for fear that Stubby would find them otherwise.

After several minutes, Brendon finally dared to speak. "I think he's gone." He whispered. But then they heard heavy labored breathing behind them. They turned around slowly and found the Stuby-meister himself.

He was looking directly at Spencer and Matrix, eyes twitching and foaming at the mouth. Panic gulped. Stubby started approaching, ever so slowly, the anticipation and tension rising.

It was like if you hadn't had a meal in 3 weeks, and suddenly, someone's dangling a thick, tender, juicy steak in front of your face, but at the same time telling you no. The smell is delicious. The juices and barbeque sauce are dripping so lusciously from the meat, making a tantalizing splash with every drop hitting the ground. And all the while, they're telling you how great it tastes.

Uh…Where was I? Oh yeah. Stubby was approaching. Step by step, Panic felt their inevitable deaths approaching nearer and nearer. But suddenly, they all heard a mighty rumble. Stubby's face contorted, not in anger, but in slight discomfort. He gave a mighty hack, and up cam a ball of hair the size of a short bus.

Out of the hair burst Alice, the Twinsies, and all the others. "Yay! I'm hair!" Alice screamed in joy.

Shannon spit out a mouth full of hair, and turned scoldingly to Hayden. "See?" She said. "I _told_ you shaving that 'mustache' of yours was a good idea."

Hayden wasn't listening. He was too busy crying over his "losses." Weenie.

"Ahem."

They all turned to look up at Stubby, hanging over them with a malicious expression.

"Oh, right," They all said unanimously. Then they let out a group scream, and ran like hell. Stubby roared, and galloped after them.

Hayden had his cell phone whipped our in a matter of seconds, desperately calling Chad.

"I don't care if we've used up all of our wishes—just get us the hell out of here!" He screamed into the phone.

"No can do, buddy. I can't bend the rules," Chad replied coolly.

"I'LL DATE YOU!" Shannon screamed, playing up Chad's emo loneliness.

The next thing they knew, our heroes were magically transported to an old Victorian house in the suburbs of Las Vegas.

"Hey—this is my parents' house!" Brendon exclaimed.

Suddenly, the emo boy known as Chad walked into the room and addressed the crowd.

"Yes, I saved your guys' asses. You should all bow down to me, whatever," He sauntered over to Shannon. "Ready to go, baby?"

Shannon grinned way too happily. They left the room hand in hand.

Every other guy in the room vomited. Oh wait—considering Shannon was the only girl, that meant that everybody vomited.

"Alright, it's only a matter of time until Stubby finds us, so we need to gather weapons," Ryan began.

"Zeppelin!!!" Hayden screamed.

"I don't think a zeppelin's the best idea," Pete said. "We've been using them for the past nine chapters, and look where we are."

Hayden pulled a switchblade on Pete. "You wanna dis the zeppelins again, huh punk!?"

"End the silence, stop the violence!" Alice screamed.

Suddenly, there was a giant rumble outside. Our heroes (excluding Shannon and Chad) stepped outside to find the giant Harpo Station hovering over the house.

"Attention, freaks:" Oprah's voice boomed over the scene. "You have made many valiant attempts at escaping your inevitable deaths, and we applaud you for your skills. However, the games end here."

Shannon walked out to join the crowd.

"What did I miss?" She asked Hayden.

"I thought you were off with Chad." He said disgustedly.

She shrugged. "We got bored, and he dumped me for a goat. So what'd I miss?"

Hayden blinked. "Um…Okay. Yeah. Oprah's about to kill us all. That's about it."

"Oh. Okay. So nothing new." She said.

Oprah's voice boomed out again. "So, freaks, you must prepare to die in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…"

Suddenly, the Harpo Station gave a mighty rumble, and a box lowered from it. Lasers appeared everywhere, creating a perimeter around our heroes.

"Goodbye, losers." Oprah said.

Suddenly the box broke open, and out of it lumbered our worst nightmare:

…Stubby.

"Here to eat your soul!" He/she/it wheezed.

Our heroes screamed as Stubby leaned forward to eat out heroes. Lasers started going off everywhere, reinforcing the perimeter.

Seconds away from death, there was a great flash of light, and our heroes were once again transported for safety by Chad.

"Are we ever actually gonna FIGHT?!" Hayden exclaimed frustratedly.

Chad stood in the center of the room "Well, if you WANT me to send you back to Stubby's hell-hole…" He held up two fingers, about to snap and transport Hayden.

"No, I'm good," Hayden said quickly. "Eh…so why did you save us?" He asked.

"The goat got boring. Shannon?" Chad beckoned at our favorite female. They left the room, arms linked.

"Such a nice young emo…" Alice commented.

"Where are we?" Ryan asked.

Brendon looked outside. "Hey! This is my grandma's house!"

"So are we very far from Stubby?" Hayden asked.

"Naw, we're just down the street!" Sure enough, looking out the window our heroes could see the Harpo Station and Stubby still standing around.

"It's perfect!" Hayden said. "We can sneak up behind them and take them by surprise!"

"Why don't we use some magical Cooper magic?" Brendon suggested.

"Totally!" Alice said. "Just let me go get ready!"

Hayden turned to Brendon. "I think we should go check up on Shannon," he said. "I don't trust that brother of yours."

Brendon nodded. "You know us Uries! We're testosterone boys! I wonder if she's a harlequin girl…"

Hayden shrugged. "I call her a whore all the time, if that helps any."

They sneaked up the stairs to a room containing Chad and Shannon. They put their ears to the door. They heard nothing.

Brendon pushed the door open, and saw that all of the lights were off. Both he and Hayden gasped, fearing the worst.

There, standing in the middle of the room was Shannon with her hands over her eyes.

"Shannon! What the hell are you doing?" Hayden barked.

She put a finger to her lips, but still covered her eyes. "Shh…me and Chad are playing hide and seek!"

"You realized that everyone can see you, right?" He asked.

"Aww…" She whined, uncovering her eyes. "Damnit! I suck at this game…"

They walked back out into the hallway, and found Chad wandering around. He spotted Shannon.

"There you are!" He said. "I looked _everywhere_ for you!"

"I was in the bedroom." She said.

"I looked there, too!" He complained.

"Did you turn the lights on?" Hayden asked.

"Why would I do that?" Chad asked, confused.

Hayden sighed disgustedly.

Chad turned to Shannon. "You wanna break up again?" He asked.

"Totally!" She said.

"Sweet," He said. "Imma go be a bachelor now, K?" Then he scampered off. Hayden turned to Shannon.

"You are so _weird_!" He said to her. She grinned happily.

"Guys," Brendon interjected. "What if by some horrible, sick and twisted change of events, Stubby is like bacteria?"

The twinsies stared at him blankly. Brendon sighed.

"What I mean is: what if Stubby has the power to become resistant against Alice's magic?" He explained.

The twinsies looked at each other in horror.

"Who on Earth is magical like Alice!?" Hayden asked.

"Well, we at least have Panic and Chad." Shannon offered. "We can use them as our back-ups."

Hayden sighed. "Well, I guess so…"

They all went back downstairs, and Alice walked over to meet them. He was wearing a cape over a magician's outfit, completed with a top hat. He gave them an arrogant and elegant look.

"I'm ready," He said in a creepy British accent. Then he led the way out of the house.

It took Stubby and the others a while to realize that our heroes were there. They whirled around angrily, and prepared to re-attack. Alice stepped forward.

"Hiss!" said Alice. [Ask Shannon for the proper pronunciation of "hiss."]

Stubby and the others sat, unphased. Alice just stared back at them for a wee bit, and then he ran away crying.

Shannon turned back to the house. "CHAD! FOR THE LOVE OF CHOCOLATE GET OUT HERE AND SAVE OUR ASSES BEFORE STUBBY EATS US!!!"

Chad ran out of the house just as Stubby gave a mighty roar. Chad stopped just in front of Stubby, and did a little twirl while working his emo magic.

Stubby howled in horror. The Harpo Station suddenly imploded, but our villains all had parachutes and floated safely to the ground. Upon landing, they laughed maniacally and ran away.

Shannon tried to run after them, but she tripped on a curb and fell down. So sad.

A wounded howl came from Stubby, and our heroes turned their attention again to the fat tub-o-lard.

Stubby suddenly got an angry look in his/her/its eye, and with the snap of Chad's fingers our heroes disappeared to the first safe haven that Chad could think of.

Our heroes found themselves wading amongst crowds of people who all looked sweaty and anxious. Some were wearing disgustingly distracting costumes. It was like Wal-mart, but only a gazillion times worse.

"Well, what do we do now?" Hayden asked.

Alice shrugged. "Go with the flow, I guess."

The "flow" was going slow, but our heroes FINALLY made it to the front of the crowd three hours later. Some big, burley security guy ushered them into a room where lights were shining so brightly into their eyes, that they were blinded.

"Yo-yo-yo baby, watch ya gonna sing for us tonight, bro?" A voice said from beyond the light.

Our heroes all looked at each other doubtfully.

"We have to sing?" Hayden asked.

"You bloody well better sing—it IS a singing competition after all!" Some snobby British voice said.

So, our heroes started singing. Alice broke into "No More Mr. Nice Guy." Panic started singing "Build God, then we'll Talk" aka "Asbestos and Formaldehyde." Fall Out Boy started singing "The Carpal Tunnel of Love." Chad was singing "I'm a Little Teapot," Hayden was singing "Glamorous," and Shannon was singing the theme song to _7__th__ Heaven._ Separately—these songs sounded (mostly) great. Together—they sounded like steaming pile of animal dung. Either way, at the end out heroes heard clapping. Not necessarily good clapping.

"That was absolutely _dreadful_!" Came the snobby British accent again. "Why did you even bother to come here?"

"Shut up, Simon," Came a mousy female voice. "Don't listen to him. I thought your performance was beautiful. If it were my decision, you would win this contest right here and now."

"You know," came the first voice "It was a lil' rocky for me at the start, but I think you guys got real potential goin' on here! I say send em' to Hollywood!"

"Um…Thanks." Ryan said, squinting into the light. "But um… Who even are you guys? And where are we?" He asked.

"Oh, I'm sorry!" The mousy voice squeaked. "How rude of us—I'm Paula, this is Randy and Simon, and we are…The judges from _American Idol!_"

"Sweet!" Shannon said. "So we're going to Hollywood?"

"YOU'RE GOIN' TO HOLLYWOOD, BABY!" Randy said, getting up and dancing for effect.

The next few weeks became a whirlwind for our heroes. They quickly became a favorite on _American Idol, _known under the stage name as "Alice at the Disco and the Innocent Criminals," or more commonly, "AATDATIC."

It finally came down to the last show, with AATDATIC going against Hannah Montana. Not surprisingly, our heroes won. The presents they received numbered into the hundreds.

One day, the door to their new mansion was knocked upon. "Delivery for a Mr. and/or Mrs. Alice at the Disco and the Innocent Criminals!" A delivery man called. Our heroes all went to answer the door.

…And just as they suspected, it was some big, fat hermaphrodite with a flock of seagulls haircut and only one nostril.

Otherwise known as a delivery man holding Stubby.

"Merry Christmas!" The delivery man shouted in a Dutch accent.


	11. Stubby can haz cheezburger

NEW CHAPTER, FINALLY

Stubby leapt form the delivery man's arms and the man ran away. Stubby approached them maliciously.

Chad turned to Shannon. "Well, we had a good run while it lasted. Nice knowing ya, baby." And with a snap of his fingers, he disappeared.

"Buy me a drink first!" Shannon screamed randomly at the spot where Chad had just been. Then she turned her attention back to Stubby.

"Wait a second!" Brendon said hysterically. "You can't kill us—you can't! We're rock stars! WE'RE NOT MEANT TO DIE THIS YOUNG!!!"

"We were rock stars before when Stubby tried to eat us—why make a big deal now?" Ryan asked.

Brendon shrugged. "Dramatic effect?"

Hayden was acting calm and rational. "Okay, we've still got some Panic magic and Fall Out Boy magic. We're not dead yet." Then he looked into Stubby's murderous eyes. "Eh—screw that. WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!" Well, there went HIS poise and rationality. Ha!

Stubby just stood there, trying to decide which victim to eat first. He considered the fat Fall Out Boy—Patrick.

Meanwhile, Shannon was also considering Patrick.

"I think Patrick should be the one to use his magic on Stubby." She suggested.

Alice shook his head. "Tsk tsk tsk, Shannon! Where's your head?! We have to decide this fair and square—with a nice game of Rock-Paper-Scissors!"

Shannon glanced up at the salivating Stubby. "Okay," she said. "But make it quick!"

"First, Brendon went against Patrick. Then Ryan went against Joe. Then Pete went against Jon. Andy went against Spencer. Shannon went against Hayden. Alice was going to go against Stubby, but them Stubby almost ate Alice, so he decided that it wasn't such a good idea. In the end they all forgot who won.

Stubby growled maliciously.

"Patrick! Just go!" Shannon said, pushing him toward the giant hermaphrodite.

Patrick sauntered forward in his bad ass nerd-turned-rock star manner. He closed his eyes for a moment, concentrated, and then hit Stubby with his best magic.

Stubby looked confused and disoriented. He started running, running, running like a chicken with its head cut off/a constipated wiener dog. He ran away at the speed of light toward where Oprah, Phil, and Zac had disappeared.

Our heroes gave a sigh of relief. Hayden then snapped to his senses.

"Guys!" He said. "I know it's all fine and dandy that Stubby didn't kill us with glee, but he's still gonna come back! We need some way to trap and capture Stubby so we can turn his back to the light side of the Force!"

Alice sighed. "So are you saying we used up our magic for nothing?" He asked.

"Pretty much!" Hayden answered cheerfully.

"How are we going to lure and trap Stubby?" Brendon asked.

Hayden paused, and then slowly asked, "Does Stubby like cheeseburgers?"


	12. I do believe we have won

CHAPTER

"Of COURSE Stubby likes cheeseburgers!" Alice exclaimed. "He's a fat tub-o-lard! What do you expect?!"

"Oh!" Shannon exclaimed. "I have a fantastical idea!" Then she clapped her hands and made some weird mating call noise. Our heroes looked at each other oddly.

Suddenly, out of the sky came the Pillsbury Doughboy once again.

"You have ties with the Pillsbury Doughboy?" Hayden asked.

"Totally!" Shannon replied. "I can't cook worth a shit!"

"Ahem!" The Doughboy said.

Shannon knelt down to his height. "Oh magical blob of dough, will you help us make a gazillion cheeseburgers?"

The PDB winked at her. "You got it, babe!"

Shannon stood back up. Hayden looked at her strangely. She blushed.

"We go way back…" She murmured, before running off to help set up their hamburger stand.

When our heroes had finished their food, they opened the window to their stand, and let the scent of food waft in the breeze, hopefully toward Stubby's awaiting nose.

A mile away, Stubby's nose started to twitch. He began to feel a rumbling hunger come on, only to be satisfied by a hamburger high. Or in this case, a cheeseburger.

Meanwhile, back at our heroes' hideout…

Everybody was busy waiting for Stubby, and doing Tae-bow. Shannon and Hayden were punching each other, rather than the air like they were supposed to. They soon got worn out and tired. They went over to a water cooler to get a drink.

As they stood there holding their paper cups filled with water, Hayden started to twitch. It was almost as if his Stubby senses were tingling…

The water in the cup began to ripple. Hayden and Shannon looked at each other in horror. The ground began to shake with each heavy step. Shannon let out an ear piercing shriek.

"He's coming!!!" She screamed, running around in panicked circles.

Our heroes quickly assembled themselves into a professional-looking hamburger stand. They peered through the window, awaiting their victim. They didn't have to wait long.

Stubby suddenly came into view, sniffing the air excitedly. He spotted the hamburger stand, and galloped over. Our heroes quickly put on finger mustaches for disguises. Stubby peered in the window, and luckily didn't notice any familiar figures.

"I can has cheeseburger?" Stubby asked.

"Uh, here ya go kind ser…" Brendon said in a REALLY strange Borat voice.

Stubby literally inhaled the cheeseburger, and during this process Brendon gave the secret hand signal. That caused Shannon to press a magical big red button, which released a giant cage on top of the aforementioned Stubby.

Stubby howled in horror.

"Ha! Take that, bitch!" Our heroes said in unison. Then they all exchanged high fives for good measure. Thus began Stubby's life in hell.


	13. Or not

NEW CHAPTER

Stubby's life in jail was horrible. For one, he never got fed so his giant Stubby belly was growling constantly. But that was OK, because Stubby needed to lose weight.

The one thing Stubby hated the most was the attention. Alice, Panic, the Twinsies, and everyone associated would walk by his cage, shake their heads, and murmur "there's still good in him, Obi-Wan." They also kept trying to do yoga with him, and getting him to read self-help books. It was humiliating.

Stubby spent his days daydreaming about how he could escape his hell-hole known as the hamburger stand. (Our heroes had yet to find another home.) It took Stubby a long time to figure it out, but he finally had a plan.

He surreptitiously shrunk down to normal kitty size, and slipped through the bars of his cage. Go figure.

Our heroes didn't notice his absence until five hours later. They had been too busy reliving their glory days as Alice at the Disco and the Innocent Criminals. It was Alice who first noticed the missing hermaphrodite.

He stared at the cage for a few minutes. "Something's not right here…" he murmured. Spencer actually put two and two together.

"STUBBY!!!" He screamed. Then he looked back down at the koala in his arms. "I'm sorry, Matrix. It's just still so painful. You make my days bearable." Matrix barked. [Note: No, the author does not know what sound a koala makes.]

Our heroes searched high and low for the missing cat. They searched everywhere they had been recently. It was Hayden who found Stubby. He was crawling across the curtain rod in the Urie's shower, disguised as…

…Monorail cat!

Hayden screamed in delight.

"I found him, I found him!" He shrieked, jumping up and down.

"Quiet, you fool!" Stubby hissed.

"You wanna friggin' go?!" Hayden asked, putting up his fists.

"Prepare to die!" Stubby screeched.

And with that, Stubby used his magic and fused together with Hayden. He then ceased to be Stubby, and took the name of Hayden. The real Hayden was defenseless.

Our remaining heroes ran into the room. Shannon pointed a gun as Stubby/Hayden. "Prepare to die, cat!" She threatened.

Stubby/Hayden cleared his throat. "No, it is I, Hayden! That evil villain, Stubby, turned me into a cat out of spite."

Most of our heroes believed it, but Shannon wasn't so sure.

"Why should we believe you?" She asked maliciously.

Stubby slash Hayden shrugged. "Because we're twinsies!" Ha said WAY too gleefully. Then, he tried to do the hip-bump thing with Shannon.

"Don't touch me!" Shannon screamed, jumping away. When she landed, she turned back to him. "Prove that you are Hayden!" She demanded.

"How?" Stubby asked.

"What's your full name?" She asked.

"Hayden Xavier." Stubby/Hayden said matter-of-factly.

"How old are you?"

"Fourteen years old."

"What is your secret hobby?"

"Dancing to _Hairspray_?" Stubby said uncertainly.

"Is that your final answer?"

"…Yes?"

"Correct." Shannon eyed him. "I still don't believe you."

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?!?!? I'VE PROVED THAT I AM HAYDEN, SO THAT SHOULD BE ENOUGH FOR YOU, BITCH!!!" Stubby screamed.

"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME!?" Shannon roared.

Stubby paled, realizing his blunder. "I, err…um…I really…err…I have to go to the bathroom…Oh, God, my prostate!"

Stubby ushered everyone out of the bathroom, and started mumbling about how "very bad things" would happen.

Once out of the bathroom, Shannon stamped her foot. "That is NOT my twinsie. I just know these things."

"That is definitely Stubby." Spencer said. "I'd know that voice anywhere."

Alice sighed. "Okay, who's using magic THIS time?"

"I don't know," Shannon said. "But this story implies that we're all so magical that we should live in friggin' Hogwarts!"

"Right." Brendon said. "I'll use my magic."

They counted to three, and then burst in the bathroom door. Stubby was sitting there "grooming" himself. Brendon began his magical ritual.

He began spinning in circles, and singing "Sexy Back" (You know it's true.) He stopped and said the final incantation, "Abra Cadabra!"

Stubby's eyes widened, and he split into two people, one being Hayden and one being himself.

Hayden began running around screaming "I'm free! I'm free!" And Stubby began howling in defeat. But before any of out heroes were smart enough to realized that Stubby was ALSO free, he/she/it had escaped.

"Damn it!" They all screamed, upon realization that Stubby had once again escaped.


	14. Philip comes to the light side

CHAPTER THE NEXT

Our heroes sat in the Uries' living room, with Hayden pacing in the center. "Okay," he said. "We know we need to capture but not kill Stubby. Oprah and Dr. Phil also need to be captured, but if ABSOLUTELY necessary can be killed. We want to turn these guys back to the good side. We can just go ahead and kill Zac."

"So how are we gonna do it?" Alice asked.

Hayden had a wicked gleam in his eye. "If we can't get them to come to us, then maybe we should go to them."

The Harpo Station was in complete calm and quiet—it was night-time. Not a creature was stirring, not even a cat. And instead of Santa coming down through the chimney, it was the Twinsies.

"Ho ho ho!" Shannon laughed quietly, imitating the great fat man.

"Yes you are." Hayden said, reverting to his Nazi prostitute days.

Shannon glared at Hayden, and they bickered quietly while sneaking through the Station.

And thus began the chain reaction, "dominonic," if you will, that led to the final adventure of Stubby the Cat. The final battle.

"Who do you think we should kidnap first?" Shannon whispered to Hayden.

He shrugged. "I don't think it matters as long as we're quiet, calm and cool."

They nodded in agreement, and tiptoed a few steps without disturbing the peace.

But suddenly, the peace was disturbed.

Down goes domino numero uno.

The Harpo Station gave a mighty rumble, due to some machinery outside. It sounded like a bulldozer going at full speed. A voice screamed, "HEY MA! HEY PA! IT'S SONNY BOY!" The voice sounded suspiciously like it belonged to Alice.

Guess what folks? It did.

Seconds after the initial noises were heard, the wall facing West caved in, and our magical little Alice, who was singing "School's Out," came through. Gee, I wonder why.

Oprah, Dr. Phil, Zac, and Stubby all raced out in their jammies to the scene of the crime. Upon seeing Alice, Dr. Phil and Oprah screamed. Zac screamed upon seeing the Twinsies. Stubby crapped himself.

Alice leapt out of the bulldozer. "It ends here!" He said, throwing down his hat. "Mom, Dad, I know the only reason that the monstrosity known as Stubby was created because of me. So here I am, in all my glory, here, to stop the madness." He prepared to use his magic, and sneered, "Do your worst."

Shannon tiptoed over to him, and whispered in his ear: "err…Alice? You've already used up all your Stubby magic. Just so you know."

Alice paled. Obviously he had forgotten that small detail. He screamed like a little girl and ran away.

Our villains laughed maniacally.

Shannon timidly raised her hand. "Um, you know _we're _still here!" She said gesturing at Hayden and herself.

"Oh, right," said Oprah. "PREPARE TO DIE!"

Stubby suddenly attacked at our Twinsies, and they both dodged, running around the room avoiding death by inches.

"Don't use any magic!" Hayden screamed at Shannon. "We need to save it for a better time!"

"You got it!" She screamed, pulling out her ghetto/bad ass lightsaber to fight off Stubby.

Meanwhile, Oprah, Dr. Phil, and Zac had all run away to watch the battle on a wide screen TV, in the comfort and safety of Lazy Boy chairs. They even had popcorn for the event. But the showdown wasn't going as planned.

"Damnit!" Oprah yelled, slamming her fist on the table. The twinsies were _not_ supposed to be winning right now. That was NOT part of the master plan.

"Calm down, Sugarlumpkin!" Dr. Phil exclaimed. "There's not much that we can do about it!"

Oprah sputtered. "Not much!? NOT MUCH!? I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT'S 'NOT MUCH!'"

With that, she stomped over to him, and ripped out what little hair he had. Dr. Phil screamed in pain and horror. Oprah took the few strands of hair, and shoved them into a cloning machine that was conveniently located on the Harpo Station. She pressed the "start" button.

Five minutes later, the bell rang on the machine, signaling that the clone was done.

BUT REMEMBER, PEOPLE: THERE'S A REASON WE DON'T CLONE HUMANS YET.

When the clone stepped out, it looked exactly like Dr. Phil. Except for the fact that it was three feet too short.

"You need to get excited about your life!" The Mini-Phil exclaimed in a just-swallowed-helium voice.

Dr. Phil gasped in amazement. "He's perfect!" He exclaimed, hugging the clone in his arms like a teddy bear.

"Now," Oprah said in a demonic voice. "Go kill those terrors before I kill YOU!"

Dr. Phil stood up tall. "You think you can threaten me, lady!?" He asked.

Oprah raised an eyebrow, unphased. "Have you ever heard of Loraina Bobbett?" She asked.

Dr. Phil and Mini Phil ran away faster than a jack rabbit on hot concrete.

Down stairs on the Harpo Station, Shannon and Hayden were still kicking ass against Stubby. They were jumping around like fleas on hot bricks. Shannon dodged a blow from Stubby, and fell back, hitting some switch. Stubby twitched violently, but then resumed his attack. Shannon glanced back at the switch and saw it had broken, but then she turned her attention back to the fight.

Now, remember WAAAAY back when Oprah set Stubby's brain from "skitzo" to "attack mode" with a switch? 

Oh goodness. I think we're coming to a climax.

Dr. Phil and Mini Phil suddenly burst onto the scene. "End the silence, stop the violence!" They screamed in unison. The fighting stopped, and everyone turned to see the "Twinsies 2.0."

"Oh shit." Hayden and Shannon said in unison. Stubby just twitched.

"Look at him, isn't he cute?!" Dr. Phil gushed to the trio about his clone.

Shannon's eye twitched. "Eh…sure!"

Dr. Phil's smile faded. "Oh, yeah. Um, guys? My feelings of malice have essentially dissipated for you. But Oprah wants you dead, and, well, I gotta do what the wife says…"

Shannon raised an eyebrow. "'The wife?' What about Robin McGraw?"

Dr. Phil shrugged, leaned forward, and whispered, "She's really a Play Boy Play-Mate who I hired to make me look good when I gave marriage counseling."

"Lovely." Hayden murmured.

Dr. Phil shrugged. "We're saving out marriage announcement for if her cash flow ever starts running low. We've got a ton of crap we could sell to the Paparazzi for millions of dollars. It would keeps us rollin' in caviar."

Shannon's eyes lit up. "Why don't you do it now, Phillip!? You could get revenge on Oprah for holding you back all these years!"

Dr. Phil looked at her like she belonged in an insane asylum. "_Hello, _we're talking about _Oprah _here."

But now, Hayden was also entrance by the idea. "Come to the light side, Phil." He said, stepping forward.

Dr. Phil looked tempted. "But…what can I do with _this_ guy?" He motioned to Mini Phil.

Shannon grinned slowly. "Well, you'll need a replacement, won't you?" She said slyly.


	15. Heart wrenching confessions

CHAPTER THE NOT QUITE LAST

After waiting for half an hour, Oprah decided to go downstairs and watch how the fight was doing. But when she got down there, she found no one but Mini Phil and Stubby.

"What the hell!?" She exclaimed. "Where'd those bastards (and bitch) go!?"

Mini Phil stood on a chair. "I is here, Honey! Come and kiss me!"

Oprah looked disgusted, and punched Mini Phil in the face. He fell off the chair and was knocked unconscious. Then she turned to Stubby.

"What happened?" She asked through gritted teeth.

Stubby looked up from licking himself. He meowed.

"STUBBY!!! ANSWER ME _NOW_!!!"

Stubby rolled his/her/its eyes lazily. "Read the tabloids." He said. Then he resumed cleaning himself.

Oprah looked perplexed. She went to the local Wal-mart (which of course, she owned.) and bought a copy of _US Weekly. _The main headline read, "Inside an Empire: Oprah and Dr. Phil's Secret Marriage!"

Oprah started to tremble with anger. How _dare_ that bastard sell out on her! He thought he was so smart he could fool her? Ha!

She'd show him—she's show all of them. You do NOT mess with Oprah Winfrey!

She took out her cell phone. "Hello? Chuck? Yes, I've got the PERFECT job for you…"

Meanwhile, Dr. Phil was enjoying the light side of the Force. He had cashed in from the Paparazzi, and had built himself mansions all over the world. Out of the kindness of his heart, he had built a ranch in the backyard of his Australian mansion for our heroes.

It was at that Australian mansion/ranch that disaster struck our heroes AGAIN. Shannon and Hayden were having merry kangaroo races. Shannon was winning. Phillip warned that they shouldn't stray too far from the ranch, for fear that they would be eaten by dingoes. Well, on this particular day, the twinsies decided not to heed his warning.

They were having a lovely little race, when suddenly our twinsies found themselves lost. They tried to figure out where they were by reading a map, but you can only imagine how that went. A dingo howled in the distance, causing the twinsies to look at each other in alarm.

"Um… We're screwed." Shannon said, summing up the situation.

They turned to run away from the sound of the dingo, but they only had traveled a short distance before they heard a far-off voice even more deadly than the dingo.

"Hiiiii-ya!" The voice of none other than Chuck Norris called. The twinsies turned to each other again.

"We are SO screwed." Hayden updated.

They didn't know which direction Chuck's voice had come from, so they made the decision to get back as fast as possible to warn the others. They didn't think they could get home fast enough on foot, so they ran back to the spot where they had ditched their kangaroos.

But when our twinsies got there, they found more than just kangaroos. They found kangaroos and violence.

"Hey _buddies_!!!" Chuck said through gritted teeth. Then he aimed his machine gun at the twinsies. "Come kiss Uncle Chuck goodnight."

Hayden and Shannon turned to each other, preparing for confessions.

"Shannon," Hayden said nervously. "I've-I've always secretly thought you were a girl." He confessed.

Shannon wiped a tear away from her eye. "That's so sweet." She cried. "Hayden, I confess to you. I accidentally broke your _Hairspray_ DVD while playing Frisbee."

"WHAT!?!?" Hayden screamed.

"But now is not the time to fret over petty things… Now is the time to join hands and…"

"SCREW YOU, BITCH! YOU BROKE MY DVD!!! TO HELL WITH YOU! CHUCK, SHE'S ALL YOURS!!!" He screamed, stomping off.

"Hey! Wait!" Shannon called. "Hayden! Get back here! The only thing that can stop Zac, Oprah, Chuck and Stubby is the power of the twinsies!"

Hayden gave her the finger and kept walking.

Shannon turned to Chuck. His eyes were twitching and he was salivating. She shuddered.

"Well," she said to herself. "I hope Shannon magic is as good as any magic!" She did a little dance that looked like a ballerina gecko on crack, and shouted the magical incantation from Potter Puppet Pals. In case you don't know what that is, it goes like this: "Your mother is a *****-ing ***** hippopotamus *** with a bucket of **** Mickey Mouse **** in a castle far away where no one can hear you ***** magical **** Alakazam!"

It's funnier if you hear it.

Suddenly, Chuck started shrinking.

"Oh no!" He screamed in a just-swallowed-helium voice as he shrunk. "My steroids!!!..."

Chuck shrunk down to the size of a child, and started crying.

"My worst fear has come true!" He sobbed. "I'm not big and scary anymore!"

Shannon went over to comfort Chuck.

"It's okay, freak." She said compassionately. "You have nothing to fear. I will restore your powers as long as you turn over to the good side."

"ALL I WANTED WAS A PONY!" Chuck wailed.

"You can have that, too," she said.

"IT'S A DEAL!" Chuck screamed.

So Shannon did reverse magic by singing the Ask a Ninja theme song, and restored Chuck's powers along with a pony. Then they galloped back to the ranch, Chuck on his horse and Shannon on her kangaroo, to set the wheels in motion to save the world.

"I am NOT talking to you." Hayden pouted, crossing his arms and ignoring Shannon.

"Dude, I said I was sorry!" She exclaimed.

"THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH!" He screamed.

"Come on, seriously!" She said. "We need to come _together _in times of crisis, not go apart!"

"There's no crisis." Hayden said stubbornly.

"Oh yeah," Shannon challenged. "What do you call _that_?"

Stubby hovered in the distance.

"Well, all he needs is a healthy dose of _Hairspray._ Oh wait—WE DON'T HAVE IT!!!" Hayden screamed.

"Arg!" Shannon left the room exasperatedly. "Chad!" She called. Our favorite emo boy appeared suddenly.

"You baby, wassup?" He asked.

"Can you get me a copy of the DVD _Hairspray_?" She asked.

Chad raised an eyebrow. "Why?"

"Because I'm sexy."

"Oh. Okay." He gave her the DVD, and disappeared. Shannon left to go find Hayden.

"Happy now?" She asked, throwing the new DVD at him.

Hayden promptly squeezed Shannon to death in a massive "thank you" hug, and Chad was called to bring her back to life.

Go figure.


	16. No, there is another

CHAPTER THE ALMOST LAST

"All we have left to conquer is Oprah," Brendon said at the next group meeting among our heroes. "We can get her, we can save Stubby. And we've all decided to go ahead and kill Zac."

"Right." Everybody said in unison without hesitation.

"So," said Hayden. "I think our plan should be organized chaos. We just attack relentlessly until we win."

"For 2 more chapters!?" Pete exclaimed.

"Yes."

"Wowsers. This is gonna kill the authoress."

ANYWAY…

"Okay," said Hayden. "Here's all of our rolls. Alice, you take that bulldozer of yours and chase after her. Panic, you guys unleash the mimes and keep asking her if she wants to be the subject of one of your whore-ish songs. Fall Out Boy, try to tattoo a mustache on her finger. Chad, Phil, Chuck, and PDB, keep watch on Stubby. Shannon and I will fight her with lightsabers."

"Right." The group said in unison.

They set dawn as their attack time.

At dawn the next morning, everything was peaceful and quiet. Not for long.

The Harpo Station was being repaired from Alice's previous attack, so Oprah had based her evilness out of Wal-mart. And really, what better place to have a battle than Wal-mart?

The store was littered with people of all shapes and sizes, from all corners of the Earth and beyond. One of these "people" was short, green, bad ass Jedi midget by the name of Yoda. Yoda was busy shopping for Dolly Parton CDs. But that will be more important later.

Our heroes suddenly invaded the store, searching for the infamous Oprah. They split up, and the twinsies went to the electronic and music department. (Shannon's idea, of course.)

Lo behold, who do you think they found there? None other than Oprah, looking for DVD box sets of her own TV show. So sad.

"Halt, fiend!" The twinsies shouted in unison, pointing their lightsabers at her. Oprah turned around slowly, and looked at them with mild curiosity.

"Oh, it's you two again." She said. "Well, do you have any last whishes before you die?"

"BRENDON URIE'S MARIAGE PROPOSAL!" Shannon screamed. Hayden clapped a hand over her mouth.

"We're not going to die," Hayden said threateningly, "but if we HAD a last wish, it'd be for you to come to the light side, and save Stubby the Cat."

"What's wrong with Stubby?" She asked again out of mild curiosity.

Shannon shrugged. "He's just been acting funky lately. He's over in house wear, if you want to see him."

"Oh yes, let's." Oprah agreed.

They went over to house wear, and found Stubby in an odd state of mind.

"WEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!" Stubby screamed, having a thumb-war with himself.

(Wait—cats don't have thumbs…)

"You're right." Oprah said out of boredom. "He is acting kind of weird. Oh well, it's time for you to die now."

The twinsies screamed, and Oprah suddenly mutated into her true form—a Sith lord. She began casting Sith lightning at the twinsies. They tried fighting it off with their lightsabers, but Oprah was just too strong.

The lightning blasted Hayden off his feet, and he flew hundreds of feet up into the air and across the store. He landed on top of Yoda, squashing the poor midget.

Obi-Wan Kenobi ran onto the scene. "NO!" He screamed, running over to the apparently dead Hayden. Obi-Wan started crying.

"NO! That boy was our only hope!"

"No," Yoda moaned from underneath Hayden. "There is…another…Twin…sie."

Then the great Jedi master known as Yoda died.


	17. Hey, we really won this time!

CHAPTER THE LAST

Oprah had switched from Sith lightning to lightsaber, and now she and Shannon were having a battle to the death. Shannon kept running, trying to lure Oprah to one of other heroes for help. But Shannon was distraught by the loss of her twinsie.

Not knowing which way she was going, Shannon ran directly into house wear. She ran straight into a hungry Stubby. She managed to dodge his awaiting mouth, but Oprah wasn't so lucky. Stubby swallowed her whole.

Shannon screamed, not realizing the implications of what had just happened. She ran like hell, not willing to stay around and find out what was to come.

She ran until she found the scene of the crime where Hayden and Yoda were.

"Hacksaw!" She screamed, running over to him. "Oh, Hacksaw! You can't be dead! No—its not possible! COME BACK TO LIFE, YOU FREAK OF NATURE!!!"

Hayden stirred, apparently not dead, just unconscious. "Wha-what happened?" He asked groggily.

"HACKSAW!" Shannon screamed in delight. "I thought you were dead!"

Hayden sat up, rubbing his eyes. "No, I'm not dead…I had the weirdest dream about geese on a golf course, though…"

Shannon brushed the comment off. "Hayden! Stubby ate Oprah!"

Hayden looked at her in alarm. "Is that a good or a bad thing?" He asked.

She shrugged.

Suddenly, a giant shadow was cast over them. They looked up and saw none other than Stubby the Cat. His eyes were glowing a malicious red. The twinsies both realized in the same instant that Oprah was controlling Stubby from the inside.

The twinsies screamed. Then they took off running through the store, Stubby galloping after them in a high-speed chase.

They ran through crowds, dodging people, trying to find SOME sort of hide-away.

Hayden kept grabbing random things off the shelves, but Shannon didn't question. They just kept running, on the promise that Hayden had a "great idea."

They slid into a dead-end, and they turned to look back. They had lost Stubby for now… They were safe…For now…

Suddenly, out of nowhere, Alice appeared, carrying a severed head.

The twinsies screamed.

"Look, guys!" Alice exclaimed. "I killed Zac Efron!"

The twinsies' jaws dropped.

"How?" Shannon gasped.

"Well," Alice said. "It was rather complicated, but let's just say it involved a blender, a pair of pliers, and a baseball bat."

"Wicked sick!" Hayden exclaimed.

"I know!" Said Alice. "Let's have a party!"

So they all forgot about the dangers of Stubby/Oprah, and they threw an awesome wild party. But their happy bliss only lasted so long. There was a mighty meow across the store that brought them all back to reality.

"Oh shit! Stubby's coming!" Alice exclaimed. "Er, um…I have to go now. Good luck!"

And with that, he ran away.

"Quick! Help me assemble this stuff into a magical bomb!" Hayden said to Shannon, gesturing at the array of items he had gathered earlier.

"How?" Shannon asked, looking at the junk. There was a basketball, spray cheese, a CD player, tennis shoes, shaving cream, liquid Band-Aid, _Seventeen _magazine, and a Mickey Mouse T-shirt.

"What the hell!?" Shannon exclaimed, as Hayden began putting the things together.

"JUST STAND THERE AND WATCH FOR STUBBY!" He screamed.

Shannon kept watch, and it was only a matter of seconds before Stubby was visible.

"He's coming!" She whispered urgently.

"GIVE ME A SECOND!" Hayden roared.

His loudness attracted Stubby, and he headed straight toward them.

"Er—Hayden? We have a situation here…"

"WELL THEN STALL HIM!!!"

"HOW!?" Shannon screamed, as Stubby came near enough to attack. She jumped out in front of him, and started break dancing.

Stubby just stared at her. Then he started coming forward again.

"WAIT!!!" Shannon screamed. Then she started singing "Hey Stoopid" by Alice Cooper. That stopped Stubby for a minute, but then he started coming again.

"WAIT!!!" Shannon screamed again. She was about to go into stripper mode to distract Stubby, but suddenly (and thankfully) Hayden appeared with the bomb.

"EAT MAGIC, CAT!!!" Hayden screamed, hurling the magical bomb at Stubby. There was a mighty KABOOM, and a cloud of dust appeared.

Now, the purpose of the bomb was to separate Stubby and Oprah back into their own bodies. But Hayden wasn't a professional magician, so things went a LITTLE screwy. When the dust cleared, it revealed Oprah as a cat, and Stubby as…a dude.

"Well, that sucked." Hayden commented, trying to figure out his next move.

"I'd give him a 7." Shannon said.

"A 7? On what?" Hayden asked.

"On looks!"

"SHANNON!!!"

"What?" Shannon asked innocently.

"WHAT?! I'M A CAT!?!" Oprah screamed.

"Yes," said Chad who had secretly been watching the scene the whole time. "And I just called the pound. What now, bitch!?"

Oprah screamed in horror. And suddenly the police/pound guys came and netted her. As they put her in the van, she screamed in horror once more.

And then Oprah was no more.

"Yay!" Our heroes screamed in celebration.

"Yay!" Stubby said (still as a dude) joining the celebration.

"Oh, we have to change you back." Hayden said.

"Aw…" Stubby said. "But I love being a dude now…I can pee standing up and everything…"

"And that's nice." Said Chad. "Okay, twinsies! Do your magic!"

So the twinsies started doing their magic while singing "Time to Dance" aka "Shotgun Wedding." Stubby transformed back into a cat.

"Yay!!!" Our heroes all said.

That night they all had a wild celebration for their victories, and the salvations of Phil, Chuck, and Stubby.


	18. El fin

**EPILOUGUE **

So anyway, our heroes lived happily ever after. The Harpo Station was blown up into a gazillion pieces, and everybody roasted marshmallows on its remains.

Dr. Phil filed for divorce against Oprah, and (of course) sued for alimony. He got filthy stinking rich, and retired to the Bahamas with his Play-Boy-Bunny wife, Robin McGraw.

Oprah, meanwhile, didn't live so happily ever after. She was placed in a cage with a hungry pit bull, and was never the same again. She lost all her money to Dr. Phil, and her show was taken over by Craig Ferguson.

[Insert here: "'ello, my feisty little penguins! QUACK!"]

Alice definitely lived happily ever after. He built up a great relationship with his dad, and even went to see his mom in the pound every once in a while. He made a major career popularity comeback, and became the biggest thing since Britney Spears (in a good way.)

The 1-800-GRANT-MY-WISHES-CUZ-IM-SAD franchise grew huge, and Chad became a major celebrity. He and Shannon dated on and off a few more times until he finally settled down and got married to Alice's daughter, Calico.

Panic at the Disco grew HUGE in their success, and they started their own record company, movie company, clothing line, sports bar, strip club, and restaurant. Panic was taking over the world, as they should be. They released 10 more CDs, and reveled in their cash flow. All of them got married to super-hot girls, (except for Spencer) and they got a giant mansion in Antarctica so they could swim with the penguins.

Speaking of Spencer, he and Matrix got married in Las Vegas and lived happily ever after. They adopted many children, including twin goat babies: a girl named Billy and a boy named Alice.

The girls that Ryan and Jon got married to? Ryan got married to Hayley Williams from Paramore (they had a son named Nathaniel) and Jon got married to Vanessa Carlton. They had a daughter named Superfly.

What about the super-hot girl that Brendon got married to, you may ask. Well, he and Shannon got together for a long time, bought a ranch in Montana, and raised a Papillion/kangaroo/alpaca/llama farm. But one day the two broke up out of boredom. (Go figure.) He later got married to Amanda Bynes.

The guys in Fall Out Boy lived happily ever after, too. Patrick (the nerd-turned-rockstar that Shannon loves oh-so-much) started a side project as a solo artist and every female (and some guys) on the planet became his groupie. St. Patrick's Day took on a whole new meaning.

Pete took over the world along side Panic, and he organized the "Alice at the Disco and the Innocent Criminals" reunions, which turned out to be bigger than Woodstock. In his spare time, he started a tattoo parlor that specialized in finger mustaches. Joe and Andy went off and did random crap. Andy became a princess, and I don't care about Joe, even if he DOES have wicked sick guitar skillz.

And what about the twinsies? Well, you've already heard partially about Shannon's life. After her break-up with Brendon she became an even more famous author, with her first best-seller being _The Many Adventures of Stubby the Cat._

She then lived in a mansion the size of Rhode Island, and she bought out an entire Sam Goody store with her riches. Sam Goody gave her a credit card, and she went into $10,000 debt within three days. She then got a job as a "quality inspector" at Harry and David's which was magical within itself.

And what about Hayden? Well, he and our friend Zach decided to take over the world with zeppelins. Don't ask me how that all worked out, they know all the details.

After that was done, Hayden got married to Fergie for a while. Then they got divorce, because he thought she was too manly. Shannon doesn't understand that logic, but that's okay. He sued for alimony so he could also buy a super-huge mansion and raise a peacock farm. How lovely.

Hayden also finally got around to taking anger management classes at the local insane asylum. He graduated at the top of his class, and to celebrate he and Shannon put on their twinsie shirts and skipped though the Portland mall while singing "Build God, then we'll Talk"/ "Asbestos and Formaldehyde."

Then Shannon tried to drive them home, and in the process gave them both whiplash. She also drove into a ditch, narrowly avoiding hitting a semi head-on.

And don't forget, folks! This book is called _The Many Adventures of Stubby the Cat!_ Well, whatever happened to good ol' Stubby the Cat? He retired to California in a quiet, secluded town. He didn't talk to people much. Our heroes all assumed that he had gone on to live happily ever after, just like everyone else.

But did he?

The world may never know.

So, my friends, you have just read about the many adventures of a fat, lazy, irritated, PMSing cat named Stubby.

Through all the tears, all the laughs, and all the loss of IQ points, I hope YOU, the reader, feel as enriched as I, the almighty authoress, do now. All 18 chapters were surely worth the effort.

And now, boys and girls, it's time for the moral of the story. We started out with two evil dictators (Oprah and Dr. Phil) plus a cat named Stubby, and ended up with a (SEEMINGLY) happily ever after.

That's right. I said "seemingly."

What does that mean? I'll leave the interpretation up to you, the reader.

**What are the secrets that Shannon is keeping?**

**The world may never know.**

So this is the end of _The Many Adventures of Stubby the Cat. _

In the words of Shannon many chapters ago: "THAT WAS A MAGICAL STORY!!!"

That it was. That is was.

**You have reached: ****The end.**

**Unless I get off my lazy ass and write more for you. **

**Thanks, it's been glorious. **


End file.
